I find myself struggling. I want to talk, to tell people what is going on. But then my self-censorship kicks in and I don't let out what I should be letting out & letting go of. I want to post my current feelings but then the self-censorship keeps it bottled up.
The truth is that I keep trying to lie to myself that I don't have issues, that I don't have problems, that I don't need help. I've been keeping myself in the 'denial' stage. To be completely honest with myself; I do have a problem. I lie to myself about, I lie to everyone else about it. If I try to look at myself from a more objective 3rd-person view; I definitely have a problem; which I think I hide very well from others. Maybe I don't but no one seems to say otherwise .
My personal life & my house both show the problem. But since no one is really close to me anymore, it's very easy to hide. It's also a very vicious, never ending, spiraling downward, & out of control situation. I really need to get myself to get out of this downward spiral. I want help; I need help; I don't feel I have anyone in a good position to help me & so I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So last year on New Years Eve (12/31/2019), my girlfriend of 7 years & I broke up. I had found that she had been cheating on me for about 2 years with one of her co-workers & just after Christmas has cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend. Most of the friends that we had together and hung out with were her friends. So after the breakup, I didn't really have anyone to hang out with; and also drop in some COVID-19 restrictions. So it's now been a year & a month of just me, myself, & I (and my 3 cats). My last year has been just me going to work & then coming home. Rinse & repeat. Drop in that I probably eat 95% of my meals from restaurants & fast-food. My house is a total disaster! That doesn't help with making friends because I don't want to show them my super cluttered & messy house. I don't want people to know the filth of my house. Which doesn't help the depression; mostly just adds to it. Same goes for Facebook. I keep finding myself scrolling though Facebook feeling jealous of all the listed 'friends' that are enjoying different things while I'm sitting at home feeling lonely. Facebook is not good to look at if one is dealing with depression.
My birthday this year consisted of me going out for some food, by myself. I had treated myself with Shogun hibachi dinner for lunch. I also constructed a test on my Facebook page. I kind of shocked me the results that I received. So what I did was I blocked my b-day from showing about 3 days before my b-day. That way it wouldn't show up on people's notifications. I really hate the "friends" that will simply put "Happy Birthday" post on someone's page just because they were prompted by the Facebook notifications. I always find myself thinking about all the people that usually post a happy birthday to me to; for me asking myself why do they bother when I'm pretty sure that their post is the only 10 seconds that they will give a few brain cells to think about me for the entire year. I feel like they are not likely to really care about me; maybe I'm wrong but those 10 seconds out of the year are about the only time they say anything to me which does feel kinda meaningless. Back to my story: I then turned my b-day visibility back on around 7 pm that night. The people that messaged me at that point felt more genuine. I was slightly surprised when one of my HS classmates actually send me 2 brownie squares for my birthday. A few others surprised me because I didn't see them taking time to wish me a happy b-day due to us not being on the best of terms; I guess I must be wrong of what they think of me.
Well, if you made it this far, you hopefully figured out that the issue I try to hide from myself & others is the loneliness and depression. Each issue feeding the other issue, in that vicious spiral. If I want to fix myself and get out of this spiral, I really do need to come to terms with the problems. On one side, I hope someone finds this and really would like to help me in some capacity; on the other, I don't want anyone else to know. Well, I'm going to take a break for a while. Hopefully, getting some of my thoughts on paper & out of my brain will help on my journey down this road that I must take.
