I'm sitting here sort-of crying to myself. Thinking about how I feel like my life is currently F'ed up. I also started wondering why in the world I'm writing it here. I know of only two people that would be likely read this & I'm not sure that I really want either one reading this. I does me no good for either to read it but this is a place that I have posted in the past to release some of the secrets that lay buried deep inside me. Stuff the I never usually tell anyone. Some have figured out how to get to some of those secrets; but most don't get access to most of them.

I'm feeling lost; hopeless; dazed; confused; exhausted (mental & physical); worthless; a push-over; a slacker; a lazy f...; misunderstood. I tend to feel that no one wants to listen to me. That no one wants to take the time to listen to me. To try & understand me. To get me to talk & to get information from me, one needs to ask questions. If no questions are asked, one doesn't receive any answers. I'm not one to shy away from almost any question; there has been one or two, but for the most part: I'll answer it. I'm hardly one to give out information unless someone asks. If one doesn't ask. I'll stay quiet. Which is probably why I'm such a good listener & not much of a talker. To be a good listener, you have to ask questions. I usually can ask the right questions to get others to talk. And once they start talking, it is usually very easy to keep them talking. Everyone loves to talk; very rarely do they like to listen.

I'm lacking focus, direction. It shows at both my jobs. I've been aimless & tend to wander. Been having a hard time keeping myself going; doing what I need to do. I've been not getting as much done at work that I should be getting done. It's frustrating to me. I can see it plain as day; I can feel it. I just can't figure out why I have the problem & how to remedy it. I don't know how to fix myself! I'm been having problems getting to sleep; which is a more recent issue for me. I used to never have an issue going to bed. But as of recent, it's been hard for me to fall asleep. I'm hoping that starting to write again will help me to figure myself out. Or at least make me feel better.

Side note: I'm finding that I'm fighting with myself at the moment. I'm trying to just trying to type as the thoughts come to me, while a part of me is wanting me to edit stuff based on who the 2 readers are. One would probably be happy that I'm not doing the greatest at the moment while the other is likely to feel a little sad for me but wanting to keep his or her distance. I'm trying to not care about what they think. They have both moved away from the area & probably haven't been to this site in a few years.

I wish I would start feeling sleepy but at least I am feeling a little better. Not much, but a little. One small thought just fluttered through my mind. I'm wondering if it's because I don't get much time to myself anymore. I'm either at work or at home dealing with family. I dont' get time to be by myself. I do get time by my self, but most of that time is while in the car. I don't get the time to play video games, relax in a pool, go camping & watch a camp fire, etc. It's work 7 days a week & family during the rest of the time. And maybe I'm feeling better because it's just me & this new post window. Writing down what is flowing through my head. Everyone else is sleeping; having a not-a-care-in-the-world time. Or maybe because I want to go do a few things & not getting a chance to go and do any of them. I better try & get some sleep before I work in the morning! Until next time, later.