Little annoyances
We are both getting on each other's nerves.  Both getting bothered by the little things that we both do.  I was asked to write down what I wanted from the grocery store today.  She got a little annoyed when I asked about getting some food that I could eat at work & that I wanted a few cans of mushrooms.  She then clarified that she wanted to know what I wanted for evening meals at home.  When I got home from work, found that she really didn't buy anything I had wrote down!  She asked what I wanted from the store but wasn't willing to get any of them?  I think she got 2 items I had listed; grape juice & chicken breasts.  I'm willing to bet, if I use a couple of the chicken breasts for what I want to make; she'll get mad at me.

She said that she's been getting annoyed that I tend to make smart-ass comments or are hard pressed to prove myself.  She also looks like she's been annoyed when I don't do what she wants, when she wants.  On Saturday, I was going to start raking, she told me I should load the wood onto the trailer.  She looked annoyed when I didn't stop the raking & go load the wood; then she started loading the wood.

I sometimes wonder what I got myself into.  It's starting to feel like another great big mess.  What's life about if it isn't: one mess after another?  She does what she wants to do (and it usually feels like) without consideration for others.  She will only go out of her way for herself.  I really don't think she's likely to go out of her way for me; like I have for her.

Only time will tell how we deal with the little annoyances.

A poem to SOE (someone else)
Broken messages on a broken board.
I see the post now removed.
To be honest,
I think we both felt something more but
we keep silent in the night.
We lie to each other to keep the silence.
Because of the post now removed,
I don't believe the broken messages.

I'm sitting here sort-of crying to myself. Thinking about how I feel like my life is currently F'ed up. I also started wondering why in the world I'm writing it here. I know of only two people that would be likely read this & I'm not sure that I really want either one reading this. I does me no good for either to read it but this is a place that I have posted in the past to release some of the secrets that lay buried deep inside me. Stuff the I never usually tell anyone. Some have figured out how to get to some of those secrets; but most don't get access to most of them.

I'm feeling lost; hopeless; dazed; confused; exhausted (mental & physical); worthless; a push-over; a slacker; a lazy f...; misunderstood. I tend to feel that no one wants to listen to me. That no one wants to take the time to listen to me. To try & understand me. To get me to talk & to get information from me, one needs to ask questions. If no questions are asked, one doesn't receive any answers. I'm not one to shy away from almost any question; there has been one or two, but for the most part: I'll answer it. I'm hardly one to give out information unless someone asks. If one doesn't ask. I'll stay quiet. Which is probably why I'm such a good listener & not much of a talker. To be a good listener, you have to ask questions. I usually can ask the right questions to get others to talk. And once they start talking, it is usually very easy to keep them talking. Everyone loves to talk; very rarely do they like to listen.

I'm lacking focus, direction. It shows at both my jobs. I've been aimless & tend to wander. Been having a hard time keeping myself going; doing what I need to do. I've been not getting as much done at work that I should be getting done. It's frustrating to me. I can see it plain as day; I can feel it. I just can't figure out why I have the problem & how to remedy it. I don't know how to fix myself! I'm been having problems getting to sleep; which is a more recent issue for me. I used to never have an issue going to bed. But as of recent, it's been hard for me to fall asleep. I'm hoping that starting to write again will help me to figure myself out. Or at least make me feel better.

Side note: I'm finding that I'm fighting with myself at the moment. I'm trying to just trying to type as the thoughts come to me, while a part of me is wanting me to edit stuff based on who the 2 readers are. One would probably be happy that I'm not doing the greatest at the moment while the other is likely to feel a little sad for me but wanting to keep his or her distance. I'm trying to not care about what they think. They have both moved away from the area & probably haven't been to this site in a few years.

I wish I would start feeling sleepy but at least I am feeling a little better. Not much, but a little. One small thought just fluttered through my mind. I'm wondering if it's because I don't get much time to myself anymore. I'm either at work or at home dealing with family. I dont' get time to be by myself. I do get time by my self, but most of that time is while in the car. I don't get the time to play video games, relax in a pool, go camping & watch a camp fire, etc. It's work 7 days a week & family during the rest of the time. And maybe I'm feeling better because it's just me & this new post window. Writing down what is flowing through my head. Everyone else is sleeping; having a not-a-care-in-the-world time. Or maybe because I want to go do a few things & not getting a chance to go and do any of them. I better try & get some sleep before I work in the morning! Until next time, later.

It has been many, many years since I last posted here. I see that I need to redo it because the main graphics have since disappeared. They got lost somewhere in the vast Internet. I started reading my previous posts & slowly remembering my past. Everything that was going on in my life so long ago. Since then, I occasionally see 'Calc Man'. I last saw 'Nuclear Man' last August when we helped move a friend from her ex-boyfriend's place to another. Haven't seen much of him since the many years ago. 'APAC Man' is not APAC anymore. He switched to 'Sprint'. Used to see him but I probably haven't seen him in over a year now. Just earlier this year, I got divorced & have since found a new girlfriend.

I have continued to work 2 jobs since I last posted. I have managed to leave my father's tool & die shop and I am now working in my computer field of expertise. I was thinking about some of my past & about my future. I felt a little bit like writing & came back to my site. Looked through the site; reminisced a little bit by reading my old posts & finding links to a few other pages that I haven't been to in years. A lot of it is a 'blast from the past'.

I want to write but at the same time; I want to go to sleep. Feeling very torn about what I want to do. Especially when it's 3:08am and I SHOULD be sleeping! Well, lets try to get a little bit of anything written down before I crash for the night. The year has been a lot of ups & downs. Mostly downs but there are always a few ups. I catch myself when I get into a depressive state. I always find myself driving towards it; then I do my best to pull myself away from it. It is so very, very easy to become depressed. Things have been going better thou. I think the divorce definitively helped & things were going good with the new girlfriend. I am going to head to bed. I will see about getting back here & do up a timeline of past event leading up to the present.