Well, life sucks and then you die. Such dreary weather yesterday & today. It's exactly the same way that I feel. Dreary. Haven't done anything productive this weekend. I should be cleaning and organizing, but I just have not. Sort of a depressed feeling. And a bit of loneliness in there too. Most of our friends have gone and left us. It hurts to think that people who claimed to be our friends have up & left. I need to stop dwelling upon it, but I have nothing else in my life to do. Trying to figure out all the problems in my life that are preventing me from having a happier life. I have tried to make a few good friends at school, but once the semester is over, they just vanish. I try to continue to talk with them afterwards but they just don't seem to want to talk with me anymore. They must have enough friends in their world that they don't need me in there.

For the ones I used to have, I think that they did not like us pointing out their bad choices and trying to help them make better choices. I wish for all of those who I have called friends to achieve self-actualization. To develop to one's fullest potential. To try to better ourselves and to make better educated decisions. But people don't like that. A lot of current situations have been very similar to back when we were on the cb radio. By comparing those situations to the current ones, I think I know how a lot of things will probably turn out.

At the same time, does anything that I put in here matter? Around the time of March 20th I had a lot of hits on this page. Now, it's luck if I get a hit a day. But why even that? I wish I could read thoughts. To know the reasons as to why you have come here. Do you want to be my friend? Do you care about how I feel? Do you want to know more about me? Do you just want to check to make sure that your not getting talked about? Are you just compelled to check my page for no apparent reason? Did you just stumble upon my page, and wanted to know what this page was about? Why are you here? I would love to hear your comments as to why you are here.

Ok, this time, my bad. I was in the living room having dinner. That was why I wasn't replying. I can't say that I ever expected much conversation from a kat that is stuck in a bathroom for almost all of it's current life. Hence, I wasn't spending ALL my time in the computer room. During the very little conversation we were having, I was busy walking back and forth from the kitchen to computer room and back again.

Tonight I had my psychology class. We basically finished the book. Next week is the test & then we all give our reports and then we're done. I must say that I have enjoyed this class. Psychology always gives me something to think about. That's what psychology is all about. Then you can apply it to your daily life. A way to understand ourselves & others. I hope to be able to put this knowledge to use.

People are wanting to know, what are my questions. To spell it out, look at the 2nd paragraph of my 4-5 entry. My main questions were what do others think of me, and what they are wanting, as to if I'm to drop off the earth or try to patch the wall, and what are their hopes and goals for the future. I have more but those were the main ones. But I basically have those answers now. It's not hard to figure out those answers. They haven't changed much. Not a lot of things have changed. For what people think are a lot of changes, they really are not. Heck, I haven't changed much either.

I think I have figured out the underlying reasons as to why a few people treat me the way they do (not directed at boo, james, tim). One person & reason is that I have made a small change in my life and that person thinks that nothing has changed or hasn't realized the change. Another one is that we questioned their authority and that they don't like their authority to be questioned. It happened twice and both times that person was very angry with us.

For those of you reading thru my blog, I would like to point out that everything I put in here is in here for a reason. It's written to be read into. If you just glance thru it and only see the top of it and don't look slightly more deeply at it, you miss a lot. I amaze myself when I reread thru my entries as to how much I hide under the surface and I don't even realize it until I look thru it again. I feel that everything we do has some reason behind it, whether we realize it or not.

I want to say more, but I'm getting tired. I think it's time for bed, get some sleep and back to the daily grind in the morning. Later.

Well, It's been over a week and not much for replies. I believe that there are 3 possibilities as to my lack of replies. I'm being ignored, people simply don't want to answer me, or that people were not able to understand or comprehend what my questions are. I will assume that I know the answers to my questions. Feel free to contradict them; even thou I don't think anyone will! And for those who feel I should have my "@$$ beat", I'd like to see you try.

I hope everyone enjoyed the paid trip on us. I was just thinking about what a raw deal we have been given. We have tried our best to help & stand by people when they were having problems. In a previous situation, one person had told us that this was a new situation to them and that they did not know what to do and then to also tell us that we were doing everything wrong and we get booted. How can they say what is right or wrong if they don't know what to do? We tried our best to hang in there.

(I have to remember to go pick up my battery charger and volt-o-meter that I left at someone's house!)

We are always willing to bend over backwards for the people we call friends. We can be called at any hour of the day for help. We're willing to pay for things like food, trips, etc. We're not millionaires but we are willing to help just about anyone. I just wish people would do that for us, but that's never the case. No one cares. I try not to be selfish but every once in a while we all have to be a bit selfish. If we can't have a little bit for ourselves, we run out of energy. We need others to help recharge our batteries. But when all you do is give and no one else gives, your batteries just die. I think that mine are low. I'm looking to find a way to recharge. Maybe a trip to experimental could give me a little charge.

Chris came and visited us on Friday & Saturday. He was willing to try playing some older games. His game selection, that he will play, has been very slim for about 1/2 a year now. We had fun. Probably the next time that I will be able to visit him won't be until May 1st.

I'm not trying to ignore anyone. I was not around. And since then, I have just felt too busy to reply to people. Had class on Thursday. Was out with Jon on Friday for supper. Spend Saturday working on chores around the house. And spent Sunday with family playing settlers & watching firefly.

I gaze into my magic 8 ball and ask "will life go on?" I flip it over and it replies "outlook good." I guess that would be a good thing. I'm just feeling mellowed out. I'm driving in neutral. Thinking about what others think of me. Thinking about what people are wanting; what are they hoping the future brings. Thinking of where things go from here. The past, present, the future. What is the meaning of all of it?

Out past dictates a lot about our future. I have known about how my past has affected mine. I had a fun time Friday night, for the little time that my past was not quite hiding me. I can hope that I overcome my obstacles and have a little more time again. To feel that enjoyment again. Life just does not seem nearly as enjoyable as it once was. I so miss being back in high school.

I think I will put a pause to my writing. I could continue to bore everyone with my petty ramblings, but not right now. I am so amazed at things. I have actually be quizzed about my last entry. Questions. I have so many. I can see all of you that have read my writings. These writings contain the majority of them. Some I have asked multiple times. There is so much that I would like to understand about others but not sure of those who are wanting to understand me. None of you have truly understood how I work or what makes me tick. *screeeech* ok, I'm feeling myself going off on a tangent. Think, think, think. Never mind. I think I will just end here and let people mull things over and they can send me an email if they figure anything out.

I see people are still coming to me to try to find out any information that I may have. I didn't have any to share about this one. Something new that was going on that I was not aware of. All of the information that I have and I really have nothing to do with it. Most of it will just end up sitting on the shelf collecting dust. And the same thing will become of the questions I have posed. No one has answered the questions that I have asked and I don't think anyone ever will.