A lot has happened since I last wrote. I would like to write about all of it but I'm not in the mood to write all of it down. At least not right now. I've been wishing that I have not changed over the last few years, but I have. After thinking hard about it these last few weeks, I really don't know myself anymore. I use to know exactly who I am, but I don't feel I can say that now. I have been trying to understand me. And dear, it's not because of class! I have been slowly thinking about it now & again for the last few years. I'm feeling lost and confused. I have lost that pot of gold that I thought I was heading towards. Maybe I'm having that mid-life crisis that everyone keeps talking about. Maybe it's because I'm just reevaluating my life now that talk about maybe bringing another human into this world is close at hand. And that I don't feel that I have a lot of free time to myself lately. Work full time during the day, classes & computer repairs at night, and a lot of debt to work at paying off this year. I wish things could be the way they use to be, but that can never be and I need to give up & embrace it. It hurts that it can never be the same and also the fact that others have not realized that things are just no longer the same.

I have allowed past pains to surface. It was not a good thing to happen. I keep feeling angry about it and I need to figure out how to rid myself of it. I think that the only answer to it is actually approaching soon. This answer will in one way help reduce this pain but it will help make another pain grow. I guess only time will tell. Would anyone like to place bets on it?