Well, I'm in a great mood. I can't seem to stop laughing. It's cool that people think one thing but the truth is about half a mile in the other direction. It's bound to only get better. :-) *walks to the other room to laugh some more*

Beth & I both agree, we've had enough. I'm find out about lies that have been told to me. I very much dislike liars. That's what happened to Larry. He started lying to me. I removed him from my life. Others have lied to me and I tried to give them second chances. I choose not to lie. Why should I have to hide behind lies? That's basically what people are doing when they lie; they are hiding! I really don't feel like having to question everything people tell me. To decide if it is the truth or if it's a lie. I have better things to do than to do that.

This just seems to get more & more interesting every day. Just all of a sudden, Tim feels a need to talk with me & Beth. He never tried to come & talk to us until just this week. Strange. Since he has been talking with me, he keeps assuming that I am trying to get him angry. Why would I be trying to get him angry? I may not see eye-to-eye with him, but I'm not really wanting to go around causing trouble. What are his motives for doing what he is doing?

I would like to change my entry below slightly. I think A is now happy that she can be with T. I was feeling concerned that she might do what she has done in the past when she is feeling low. When we had left her at home tonight, she was crying and very upset with everything. So I had just drove over to her house to make an attempt to make sure that she was doing ok and not doing bad things to herself. Well, I find out that T is over there now. The were both laying together on the couch holding each other. I thought she looked happy. I'm not absolutely sure, but that's what I thought I saw. The fact that I have posted all this, I'm sure it's safe to say that I am to be blame for everything, that I am also wrong about everything, that I have caused all the wrongs, and that I am not a good, caring, and loving friend but only one that hurts people and lets them down. I hope I have caused problems... J DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY HE WAS!!! I think it is probably official that we are no longer her friends. We have probably been befriended from that family, again. I should just accept it.

After the last time we tried to help with the last problem, we got thrown to the curb. Since then, a wall was placed between that family and us. It was only about 5 feet tall and we where able to talk over it, but I think it just jumped to now being 10 feet tall. I want to rant about the past but it will caused me nothing but more pain. It will never heal. Only time of separating myself from them and making them the past will be the only way that I know that will at least ease the pain. It hurts to be a family friend for many, many years and within only hours be tossed out like an old rag. I'm now asking myself why I tried to continue to put forth all my effort to remain friends, when it just blows away in the wind. Seeing that my connection to the family is basically dead now, I debate as to all the f***ing s**t I could write about A. About her times with L, P, & J. There is also at least one thing I know about T that I wonder if A knows. But even if A knew it, I don't think it would change anything, so I won't bother. I intend to make full effort to avoid the shell group. I have tried to rid myself of their bad habits and will continue to do so. I will have to go out and find some true friends that will care about me and not be willing to treat me as badly as some have. As I say goodbye to that family, I hope them the best of luck in the future. All the times together during my HS years will be missed. *sacasticly*: It you find a pic of me in that robot costume for OM, send it to me. (They never could seem to find it for me.)

Well, I think it's official. Tim has won the battle. Let us analyze this for a moment. What was the battle? My theory is that A started dating J and T found out about it. He was jealous and started to try getting into A's life as much as possible. Saying things like he's a changed person, yada, yada.... He was trying to win A away from J and I think that he has won. A thinks that she might like & love T when I think that she is just lusting for him. He doesn't have many good qualities. How does everyone feel about this victory? T: Very happy about it. A: Sad that she might have ruin her friendship with J. J: Angry that A is lusting over T. B: Very angry about it all. G: Angry, Upset, and many more reasons, just ask. In the end, B & G will be blamed for all of it. Even thou they really have nothing to do with A's choice to drop J to go to T.

It sometimes hurts to know the truth to what where just guesses and that those guesses where correct. There hasn't been many times that I have been wrong on my guesses. Only on the trivial stuff with my wife am I about 50% right. I wonder why I do the things I do. I have a friend who has been having problems lately & in the past. Someone who I have cared very deeply for since probably HS. I just hate to see her suffer and for there to be almost nothing I can do to help. So much pain, suffering, & confusion. I stick around to be as much help as I can, for if she asks for help. I would love to write pages upon pages, but they would all be filled with hurt & pain. And that I won't be writing it here, because I don't want others to feel the pains that I feel and I don't want to make there be more pains for them. I can only hope that the sun will shine from behind all of these storm clouds.

It is very late for me. I should have been in bed a long time ago. I was playing 'Giants' till about 3am when a strange login name IM'ed me. And I have been having some interesting conversations up till now. And once again I get started at digging into myself. Trying to look at my life. Depressive thoughts start creeping in. I'm asked about friendship. To be truthful, right now I am not feeling that I really have friends. I have 1 that I definitely consider a friend. All others I have questioned. I hope that I am considered a friend to people but the feeling of them not being my friend has been looming over me. Just about everyone has put me on the back burner of the stove & left me there. That I go out of my way for others but they never are willing to go out of their way for me. ARG. I keep wanting to write stuff but I can't. It is impossible for me to write it & then hope that my life would improve for it would not. I'm learning that the only way for things to improve is to just keep my mouth closed. Seems like I'm been causing more problems every time I open it up. Also, I am feeling a lot of what I have already written in past entries. I'm not feeling that I need to write it all over again and again. What good does it do? Things don't change from the first time. Why would they the second & third times? Also, it's not as if many people read this. That just goes back to my lack of friends problem. I just can't win. No one understands me, and if anyone actually does, doesn't want to do anything. Some things just never change. I need to find my pensive so I can have some rest.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I would like to write about all of it but I'm not in the mood to write all of it down. At least not right now. I've been wishing that I have not changed over the last few years, but I have. After thinking hard about it these last few weeks, I really don't know myself anymore. I use to know exactly who I am, but I don't feel I can say that now. I have been trying to understand me. And dear, it's not because of class! I have been slowly thinking about it now & again for the last few years. I'm feeling lost and confused. I have lost that pot of gold that I thought I was heading towards. Maybe I'm having that mid-life crisis that everyone keeps talking about. Maybe it's because I'm just reevaluating my life now that talk about maybe bringing another human into this world is close at hand. And that I don't feel that I have a lot of free time to myself lately. Work full time during the day, classes & computer repairs at night, and a lot of debt to work at paying off this year. I wish things could be the way they use to be, but that can never be and I need to give up & embrace it. It hurts that it can never be the same and also the fact that others have not realized that things are just no longer the same.

I have allowed past pains to surface. It was not a good thing to happen. I keep feeling angry about it and I need to figure out how to rid myself of it. I think that the only answer to it is actually approaching soon. This answer will in one way help reduce this pain but it will help make another pain grow. I guess only time will tell. Would anyone like to place bets on it?