It is done. I have moved all but our bikes and a couple games that I would like from the old house. I feel both happy and sad. Happy to have a place that I own and call my home, sad to leave a small town called Midway where I have lived my last 26 years. Never venturing far from La Crosse. I have been out of La Crosse. I have been to Texas, Florida, and Boston. But my main life exists only within that 100 mile radius of La Crosse that Greya points out. I think the main reason behind it is that I prefer to feel 'safe'. Not that we can every be 100% safe but it's where I feel comfortable; better way to describe it. But now that I have basicly everything out of the old house, I'm feeling sad to be leaving Midway. I must convince myself to venture out into this world. To try new things. To not be so worried about being 'safe' and to try new things. To stop being such a pack rat and to rid myself of things that really won't help me anymore in life. To take my next new step into this world.

I think times are looking up for us. Beth is doing the PartyLite now, and I think she will love selling it as soon as she gets used to doing it. We're making a few new friends. I'm hoping to have that expensive piece of paper that says that I know what I know within the next year or two. Looking forward to the prospect of having a family in the future. I'm hoping that things just get better from now until death.

Sunday night was fun. We had Andy and his girl over. We went out for dinner, saw the northern lights, played 2 games of clue, and a few games of Worms World Party. Geoff also stopped in after he was done with work to chat with all of us. It was a good evening. I hope I get to play more games again. I think it's been a bit hard on me with not having anyone to play games with for the last few months. I miss the Friday night gaming at the in-laws or the Fri & Sat gaming of past.

It's late and I think it's time to head to bed. Talk with ya later, to whoever is listening.

It is interesting to know how we create the world around us. How we decide who we spent time with and how we treat them. No one in this world ever means nothing. Their life in this world affects others. Even though many people no longer speak to me, I still mean something in their lives. Everyone that has been in my life means something to me. I try to treat others the way I would hope they would treat me. If people are not going to put effort into helping to make their life better and my life better then why am I going to keep wasting my time & effort on them? I'll put as much effort into a friendship as they are willing to put in.

The other bit of info I feel like sharing right now is that I have the tendency to find out about a lot of stuff. I think the reason I know a lot is that I ask questions. It's also interesting that no one ever asks me about much. I am a very curious person. That is why I am so quiet when I go out with people. I just sit there and listen and only say anything if someone asks me something. And it's odd how I easily get overlooked and how no one wants to ask me questions. But they seem surprised when I seem to know a lot, for when I do make myself known.

I almost have everything moved. I think about 2 more trips should do it. The garage is getting full and it will take some time to sort thru it all.

Hello world. This week feels like it was the week from hell. The last 2 weeks have been very busy for me for I have been trying to move 6 years of stuff. If you don't already know, we bought a house on the north side of La Crosse. We where suppose to be out of the old house by the 1st of the month but I was unable to do that. I've still have more to move. It's been nice that the new house and the moving has helped me keep my mind busy. It's not bad having a new place. The major changes that I have to get use to is the commute to work in the morning and not being able to go in the house on break. Otherwise everything else just seems like normal.

When you move, it really shows who your friends are. Since we have had the new house, one of them has fallen off the face of the earth. A few have promised to help us move but always seem to be busy and are not making any effort to help us. One tried to help but I found that he is only good at moving big things and for small things it is better to just do it myself. Andy has been the guy to help the most and I very much appreciate all that he has done. We are suppose to be going out to dinner with him tomorrow. Christopher and Jon helped a bit with the move and deserve a thank you.

Well, breaks over. I have to get going and move more stuff. Maybe I'll talk later, not that is matters.

Well, around 10:30 tonight, I managed to get into a depressed/angry sort of mood, not that anyone cares. Hey Tim, I think you have it backwards. I think everyone else is using us for personal gain and then they take off. We're willing to bend over backwards and do anything we can to help others. The moment that we ask others for help, they simply are unwilling to help.

On a second note, I think I will stop using these pages. There is no one except my wife that seems to care about what I have to say. Also, anything that I do write or say to others only seems to be twisted into some fashion that is to make us look like scum of the earth. Am I? I almost think that people hate us because we always seem to be right. I can count about 6 predictions that I told my wife about that I made back around 2002 that all have come true. I wonder how many more of my predictions will come true. Anyhow, seeing that the few that I thought did care for are proving me wrong, I think I will just do what I stated earlier. No one has showed any interest in my feelings, my thoughts, my concerns. I might as well just vanish from this earth. I might just do that. Goodbye to all.

Today was a good day. I had a easy day at work. I sent the majority of the morning delivering 5 fin tables to a company in LaCrosse using a very oversized trailer. It was fun and yet I was nervous about it because the trailer is almost exactly the width of the right lane heading south thru Onalaska. I had to drive it on the dotted line or else I would be driving it up on the curb. :-) This was the second time for me to do it. I'll probably be doing it again in about 1-2 weeks. Then I was gone in the afternoon for about an hour and a half for other reasons. Good things are in progress for my wife & I. We are both very excited.

Old business. I corrected the entry. I had missed a 'not.' Ok, don't call me a liar if you don't have anything that I have lied about. What's up with the sudden attack of old news? I had told Austen my old feelings about 3 years ago. I think she had forgotten about it. I had mentioned how I have felt in the past, to her again, when she had asked. I love how you seem to blow it all out of proportion, Tim. Some of those feelings that you talk about were before I had meet my wife. Nice try. Have to go. I need to make it to the bank before it closes and then we're going out for dinner with my in-laws.

So, Timmy & Andrea, how are you both? I'm doing pretty good. Where to start.... It seems funny to read thru your entry Timmy. So what all have I said that I am to be forgiven for? I did say some mean things on or around 3-21-04 but I'm not asking to be forgiven. Even if I did I'm sure that I would not receive it. I have had many mean things said about me and yet I can move on. We have tried to help and we tend to get the door slammed in our face. Beth & I are not ones to quit on something we believe in, and we believe in Andrea. So, how have I been abusive to my friends and take advantage of them? How have I taken advantage of you, Timmy, or of Andrea? I have not! "We hang out with James because we know he'll play video games." How am I taking advantage of James if he is equally getting the same advantage of having someone to play video games with? Mutual gain! Maybe it it's like you, Timmy, still hanging out with Pauly D. or am I mistaken? (Andrea dislikes us hanging out with James, and she dislikes Timmy hanging out with Pauly D. But is it ok for Timmy to see Pauly and not ok for us to see James? It's not like James would be around if we where to see you, Andrea. We would make sure of it.) Friends tend to both have personal gains from a friendship. A lot like in Sims. Both benefit or they both don't. We have never abused our friends; they have simply bettered themselves and have moved to have better jobs then you will ever have, Timmy. They still come back to visit me. I just can't visit them as much any more! We tried to help Andrea out with the drugs. You refused to help her then! And yet, if Beth & I were willing to help in any way possible, how would we be taking advantage of her? She had nothing to give and we could give her everything we had. How have we lied to her or you, Timmy? If you can point out all my lies, if any, I would love to hear them. I don't lie. I firmly believe in telling the truth to people. I can only hurt myself if I were to lie to people, so I choose to not lie to people. And I can only hope to receive the same respect of the truth from others.

What I want ... is for Andrea to be happy. If you feel that for that to be is to never say "hi" to me, so be it. I will still always say "hi". I can see that you, Timmy, do not want to be in close proximity to me. Are you afraid of me? Because that is what it sounds like. That you have something to be afraid of. I know you will deny any possibility of being afraid of me, but I feel it. And I'm sure you don't want Andrea to talk with us or to see us in public. You can both avoid me if you feel the need to, for I will not. Just because you work for Walmart has not stopped me from going. I don't feel a need to avoid people. Why should I? Have I truly done wrong to you or Andrea? You both say so, but truthfully I have not. Just think for one moment, what truly have I done wrong to you, Andrea? Is caring about you wrong? Is wanting you to stop hurting yourself wrong? Is wanting you to better yourself wrong? And am I wrong in thinking that doing drugs is wrong? Where have I truly gone wrong? If I have done wrong, why are you the ones running to avoid me and hide from me? Shouldn't I be the one running??? But if you truly feel that you can only be happy if I stop caring about you, you can just start thinking that I do not care. In my heart I always will........

I am not asking for much,
just to see you happy.
In the past I have been lied to,
but I know that I haven't been lied to as of recent.
Hasn't everyone shed their tears
thru all these years?
Why is a head hung low and shy?
When I hear that it should be high!
Why cower at my feet?
Do you fear me when we meet?
What is it that you want at last?
For I can't take back the past.
If you want for us to fall off of this earth, so be it.
We'll still be here willing to help you.
I am not asking for much,
just to see you happy.
- GBD

I remember the 3-20 & 3-21 very well. I was very angry that night. And now with more knowledge about that time, really only makes me more angry. I've been trying to keep my anger out of everything. But that is the reason of this page, trying to get other people to understand the way I feel and they have yet to understand anything! I do realize that those mentioned don't have anything against me, but you have not taken into account one person. ME! Your parent admitted to the fact that she had told us to stay out of your family to protect you! I can't say that made me feel very good when the family that I called my second family kicked me out. I have only been back a few times since then and I can't say that I feel very welcome to go there. So, we're both equally tearing the bridge down. You say that I was your friend but the only time we had a nice long talk was that one night. Never before have you talked with me like that and never asked to do it after it. I told my wife all about it and then you where upset with me. I sensed something that night, which you half deny.

As for being honest... When we where coming home on the 20th, you never mentioned that you where dating Tim, which date is supposedly the 18th. On the trip home, you only said that you did not know what you wanted at the time. And as the outcome of the yelling, was you & James breaking up on that trip home. But U & Tim say it was the 18th??? Logic would say that you would have broken up with James on or before the 18th then! I don't want to mention James B-Day present. Also, if you where dating Tim at the time, why did you allow James to be all over you at the hotel? Why did you need to hide talking to Tim on that trip? You said it was so that we would not get upset with you. We were all doing just fine up until the rides. Then you seemed to need to look at your phone more & more often until you no longer seemed to put it down. And the more you kept looking at the phone, the more we knew something was up. Are you so incapable of going a whole day away from someone and to spend time with the one's you are with? It was only one day for crying out loud!

Was there no deception going on? I wasn't in your shoes, but I think I can see them pretty well from where I am standing! So I don't know anything about you... Should I mention anything about when you started to wear sweat pants to bed instead of wearing long shirts to bed? I'm sure you would doubt my ability to understand your relationship with Larry.

What was the other side of the situation? I would love to hear all about it. What don't I know or understand? Do I have any of my facts incorrect? I'd appreciate any corrections. I try not to be incorrect with my facts. The last time I was wrong was because I was only hearing lying Paul's side. Not that you where likely to tell me what you where doing or feeling at that time. I must only know James' side? Has James been lying to me? Will you tell me your side of it? What more is there that I don't know? You say there is more, so what am I missing?

It seems so odd that all I do is point out one thing and everyone gets upset at me. I could be much more evil about things with what I know. I haven't said many nice things but I don't think I've said any bad things. I have not been name calling or saying much behind people's backs. I really don't try to talk about it anymore. I've said my gripes and they have gotten no response. With the way everyone has been towards us, it makes it hard for me to want to spend any time with Chad. I know that things are not his fault, but seeing him puts me closer to where I'm trying to distance myself from. I was thrown out, so 'I'm moving out.'

I'm not saying that the overall choice was a bad one. I'm saying that it could have been done in a much better way than to hide in the bushes. You had the choice about how it was handled and I think that it was a poor one. The K's burned their side of the bridge and I'm tired of putting water on the fire.

Well, we got to spend some time with Jon last night. We went out for food and then came back to the house for an evening of gamecube. We had fun. Mickey asked to come down to Chapter II to see him. So after we dropped Jon off at home, we went down to the bar for about an hour and listened to Mickey talk all about his ex. Most of the time I just sat around and watched the drunks because I couldn't hear Micky over all the music. We where planning to drive up and see Chris today but when we didn't get to sleep until about 4am and then not wake up until 12. It didn't leave a lot of time to go and visit with Chris. Maybe we'll drive up there tomorrow to go visit him.

AirFest was good. Got a bit burned even thou we were under a tent! Then in the evening, we went to see Garfield with James. Great movie. Afterwards, we went and bought about $60 in DVDs. We watched The Last Unicorn and James fell asleep half way through and had a Domino's Pizza. Had a blast. I hope James can come over another night to watch more videos. I still have to have him watch Firefly! It's fun to get others hooked on it. It was a great series. Can't wait for the movie. :-p (For those who didn't know it is being made into a movie. Not sure of the date yet.)

Well, it's always interesting to see what people have to write. I have a hard time thinking that we might be parasites filled with empty lies. I truly don't think that I or my wife are stupid. If it is not meant for us, then who? If we hurt people so much, why do you still come to visit our pages? I still care. We still care. I don't know fully why, but we do. That is the reason we are still here. I suspect the same for you. I feel that you think that I have done something wrong to you. What is it? I was told that I was wrong for something for the first time around. What was it? I keep feeling that I have done things wrong but no one has told me what or why. And no one wants to tell me why. Do you understand at all what you have done to me? I doubt it.

I saw Andrea yesterday on our way into LaCrosse. We past her next to the Subway on the north side of LaCrosse. She was busy talking on her cell phone heading towards Onalaska. We where heading down to the movie theatre to go see Harry Potter 3. I thought it was a very good movie. The books are far better but it's hard to stick it all into just 2 hours and 20 minutes. The credits where intereisting. We stayed until they where done trying to find the hidden stuff on the side. See if you can find the lost room. :-)

I had told Beth that after I wrote the last entry that I would get a response. My guess was right. I did get a reply on 5-24. If you know what to write, you can get a response out of people. For the most of it, I had guessed correctly. And there was a thing or two that I don't believe. But, things are now the way they are and the past can't be changed. I can only hope for a better tomorrow. On to better & brighter things...

This weekend was a blast. On Saturday, I went on a canoe trip with Kevin & gang. We went down the Root River. We had canoed it in the fall for the guys canoe trip. There was more water than last year. Last year, we walked about 2/3 of our trip down the Root River. That was because the river was too low. The canoe with 2 people sat on the rocks. The canoe without 2 people floated just fine. So was had walked most of the river. Back to Saturday's trip. The new couple, Robert & his wife, fell over on the first bend. The rest of the trip went well. We did get rained upon during the afternoon. Afterwards, we went to Lanesboro to had supper. I had prime rib. :-) It was good. The following day, was the party at my parents house. You can read about that party on my wife's page.

This week is looking to be a good one. Simply because my brother Jeff is going to be up north for a week of vacation. Yay!!! Then this weekend we'll be going to the AirFest at the LaCrosse Airport. Father-in-law is taking us with him to the show. He is part of the Coulee Classic Cars Club and will be showing off his classic car. We'll ride with him & sit at their booth for the day. We'll have nice front row seats. :-)

Well, hope there is more to come as I move forward in life.

Been almost a month since I last wrote. Few new things in my life. Beth & I now have newer computers that are much faster then before. You can read Beth's page about Jon moving out of town. I did well this last term of school. I'm hoping that I will finish with my schooling soon so that I can go out and get a bigger and better job; maybe owning my own company. That just about sums it all up I guess.

I have only received 3 answers to the questions posted on 4-25-04. (Beth, Chris, and James, thanks.) I mostly had posted them because 2 people seemed very interesting in knowing what I wanted to know from others. They have both yet to say anything. They wanted their questions answered and I have, and I had said that I had some unanswered questions and they have not. So the answer must be that they don't want to be friends and that anything I have ever said seems to mean nothing. I think it probably is for the better. I've just about stopped reading the blogs of others. I've chosen to go out & talk with them on the phone or in person. It's a lot nicer and less ability to get yelled at about reading something the wrong way. You can almost always read the face of the person correctly. I finally decided to make better use of my time & energy to go do things instead of just sitting around reading blogs & trying to analyze them. You've no interest in me, I'll stop having interest in you. Only seems fair, doesn't it? (Anyone want to place bets about if I get a reply from them?)

- Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Well, life sucks and then you die. Such dreary weather yesterday & today. It's exactly the same way that I feel. Dreary. Haven't done anything productive this weekend. I should be cleaning and organizing, but I just have not. Sort of a depressed feeling. And a bit of loneliness in there too. Most of our friends have gone and left us. It hurts to think that people who claimed to be our friends have up & left. I need to stop dwelling upon it, but I have nothing else in my life to do. Trying to figure out all the problems in my life that are preventing me from having a happier life. I have tried to make a few good friends at school, but once the semester is over, they just vanish. I try to continue to talk with them afterwards but they just don't seem to want to talk with me anymore. They must have enough friends in their world that they don't need me in there.

For the ones I used to have, I think that they did not like us pointing out their bad choices and trying to help them make better choices. I wish for all of those who I have called friends to achieve self-actualization. To develop to one's fullest potential. To try to better ourselves and to make better educated decisions. But people don't like that. A lot of current situations have been very similar to back when we were on the cb radio. By comparing those situations to the current ones, I think I know how a lot of things will probably turn out.

At the same time, does anything that I put in here matter? Around the time of March 20th I had a lot of hits on this page. Now, it's luck if I get a hit a day. But why even that? I wish I could read thoughts. To know the reasons as to why you have come here. Do you want to be my friend? Do you care about how I feel? Do you want to know more about me? Do you just want to check to make sure that your not getting talked about? Are you just compelled to check my page for no apparent reason? Did you just stumble upon my page, and wanted to know what this page was about? Why are you here? I would love to hear your comments as to why you are here.

Ok, this time, my bad. I was in the living room having dinner. That was why I wasn't replying. I can't say that I ever expected much conversation from a kat that is stuck in a bathroom for almost all of it's current life. Hence, I wasn't spending ALL my time in the computer room. During the very little conversation we were having, I was busy walking back and forth from the kitchen to computer room and back again.

Tonight I had my psychology class. We basically finished the book. Next week is the test & then we all give our reports and then we're done. I must say that I have enjoyed this class. Psychology always gives me something to think about. That's what psychology is all about. Then you can apply it to your daily life. A way to understand ourselves & others. I hope to be able to put this knowledge to use.

People are wanting to know, what are my questions. To spell it out, look at the 2nd paragraph of my 4-5 entry. My main questions were what do others think of me, and what they are wanting, as to if I'm to drop off the earth or try to patch the wall, and what are their hopes and goals for the future. I have more but those were the main ones. But I basically have those answers now. It's not hard to figure out those answers. They haven't changed much. Not a lot of things have changed. For what people think are a lot of changes, they really are not. Heck, I haven't changed much either.

I think I have figured out the underlying reasons as to why a few people treat me the way they do (not directed at boo, james, tim). One person & reason is that I have made a small change in my life and that person thinks that nothing has changed or hasn't realized the change. Another one is that we questioned their authority and that they don't like their authority to be questioned. It happened twice and both times that person was very angry with us.

For those of you reading thru my blog, I would like to point out that everything I put in here is in here for a reason. It's written to be read into. If you just glance thru it and only see the top of it and don't look slightly more deeply at it, you miss a lot. I amaze myself when I reread thru my entries as to how much I hide under the surface and I don't even realize it until I look thru it again. I feel that everything we do has some reason behind it, whether we realize it or not.

I want to say more, but I'm getting tired. I think it's time for bed, get some sleep and back to the daily grind in the morning. Later.

Well, It's been over a week and not much for replies. I believe that there are 3 possibilities as to my lack of replies. I'm being ignored, people simply don't want to answer me, or that people were not able to understand or comprehend what my questions are. I will assume that I know the answers to my questions. Feel free to contradict them; even thou I don't think anyone will! And for those who feel I should have my "@$$ beat", I'd like to see you try.

I hope everyone enjoyed the paid trip on us. I was just thinking about what a raw deal we have been given. We have tried our best to help & stand by people when they were having problems. In a previous situation, one person had told us that this was a new situation to them and that they did not know what to do and then to also tell us that we were doing everything wrong and we get booted. How can they say what is right or wrong if they don't know what to do? We tried our best to hang in there.

(I have to remember to go pick up my battery charger and volt-o-meter that I left at someone's house!)

We are always willing to bend over backwards for the people we call friends. We can be called at any hour of the day for help. We're willing to pay for things like food, trips, etc. We're not millionaires but we are willing to help just about anyone. I just wish people would do that for us, but that's never the case. No one cares. I try not to be selfish but every once in a while we all have to be a bit selfish. If we can't have a little bit for ourselves, we run out of energy. We need others to help recharge our batteries. But when all you do is give and no one else gives, your batteries just die. I think that mine are low. I'm looking to find a way to recharge. Maybe a trip to experimental could give me a little charge.

Chris came and visited us on Friday & Saturday. He was willing to try playing some older games. His game selection, that he will play, has been very slim for about 1/2 a year now. We had fun. Probably the next time that I will be able to visit him won't be until May 1st.

I'm not trying to ignore anyone. I was not around. And since then, I have just felt too busy to reply to people. Had class on Thursday. Was out with Jon on Friday for supper. Spend Saturday working on chores around the house. And spent Sunday with family playing settlers & watching firefly.

I gaze into my magic 8 ball and ask "will life go on?" I flip it over and it replies "outlook good." I guess that would be a good thing. I'm just feeling mellowed out. I'm driving in neutral. Thinking about what others think of me. Thinking about what people are wanting; what are they hoping the future brings. Thinking of where things go from here. The past, present, the future. What is the meaning of all of it?

Out past dictates a lot about our future. I have known about how my past has affected mine. I had a fun time Friday night, for the little time that my past was not quite hiding me. I can hope that I overcome my obstacles and have a little more time again. To feel that enjoyment again. Life just does not seem nearly as enjoyable as it once was. I so miss being back in high school.

I think I will put a pause to my writing. I could continue to bore everyone with my petty ramblings, but not right now. I am so amazed at things. I have actually be quizzed about my last entry. Questions. I have so many. I can see all of you that have read my writings. These writings contain the majority of them. Some I have asked multiple times. There is so much that I would like to understand about others but not sure of those who are wanting to understand me. None of you have truly understood how I work or what makes me tick. *screeeech* ok, I'm feeling myself going off on a tangent. Think, think, think. Never mind. I think I will just end here and let people mull things over and they can send me an email if they figure anything out.

I see people are still coming to me to try to find out any information that I may have. I didn't have any to share about this one. Something new that was going on that I was not aware of. All of the information that I have and I really have nothing to do with it. Most of it will just end up sitting on the shelf collecting dust. And the same thing will become of the questions I have posed. No one has answered the questions that I have asked and I don't think anyone ever will.

Well, I'm in a great mood. I can't seem to stop laughing. It's cool that people think one thing but the truth is about half a mile in the other direction. It's bound to only get better. :-) *walks to the other room to laugh some more*

Beth & I both agree, we've had enough. I'm find out about lies that have been told to me. I very much dislike liars. That's what happened to Larry. He started lying to me. I removed him from my life. Others have lied to me and I tried to give them second chances. I choose not to lie. Why should I have to hide behind lies? That's basically what people are doing when they lie; they are hiding! I really don't feel like having to question everything people tell me. To decide if it is the truth or if it's a lie. I have better things to do than to do that.

This just seems to get more & more interesting every day. Just all of a sudden, Tim feels a need to talk with me & Beth. He never tried to come & talk to us until just this week. Strange. Since he has been talking with me, he keeps assuming that I am trying to get him angry. Why would I be trying to get him angry? I may not see eye-to-eye with him, but I'm not really wanting to go around causing trouble. What are his motives for doing what he is doing?

I would like to change my entry below slightly. I think A is now happy that she can be with T. I was feeling concerned that she might do what she has done in the past when she is feeling low. When we had left her at home tonight, she was crying and very upset with everything. So I had just drove over to her house to make an attempt to make sure that she was doing ok and not doing bad things to herself. Well, I find out that T is over there now. The were both laying together on the couch holding each other. I thought she looked happy. I'm not absolutely sure, but that's what I thought I saw. The fact that I have posted all this, I'm sure it's safe to say that I am to be blame for everything, that I am also wrong about everything, that I have caused all the wrongs, and that I am not a good, caring, and loving friend but only one that hurts people and lets them down. I hope I have caused problems... J DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THE WAY HE WAS!!! I think it is probably official that we are no longer her friends. We have probably been befriended from that family, again. I should just accept it.

After the last time we tried to help with the last problem, we got thrown to the curb. Since then, a wall was placed between that family and us. It was only about 5 feet tall and we where able to talk over it, but I think it just jumped to now being 10 feet tall. I want to rant about the past but it will caused me nothing but more pain. It will never heal. Only time of separating myself from them and making them the past will be the only way that I know that will at least ease the pain. It hurts to be a family friend for many, many years and within only hours be tossed out like an old rag. I'm now asking myself why I tried to continue to put forth all my effort to remain friends, when it just blows away in the wind. Seeing that my connection to the family is basically dead now, I debate as to all the f***ing s**t I could write about A. About her times with L, P, & J. There is also at least one thing I know about T that I wonder if A knows. But even if A knew it, I don't think it would change anything, so I won't bother. I intend to make full effort to avoid the shell group. I have tried to rid myself of their bad habits and will continue to do so. I will have to go out and find some true friends that will care about me and not be willing to treat me as badly as some have. As I say goodbye to that family, I hope them the best of luck in the future. All the times together during my HS years will be missed. *sacasticly*: It you find a pic of me in that robot costume for OM, send it to me. (They never could seem to find it for me.)

Well, I think it's official. Tim has won the battle. Let us analyze this for a moment. What was the battle? My theory is that A started dating J and T found out about it. He was jealous and started to try getting into A's life as much as possible. Saying things like he's a changed person, yada, yada.... He was trying to win A away from J and I think that he has won. A thinks that she might like & love T when I think that she is just lusting for him. He doesn't have many good qualities. How does everyone feel about this victory? T: Very happy about it. A: Sad that she might have ruin her friendship with J. J: Angry that A is lusting over T. B: Very angry about it all. G: Angry, Upset, and many more reasons, just ask. In the end, B & G will be blamed for all of it. Even thou they really have nothing to do with A's choice to drop J to go to T.

It sometimes hurts to know the truth to what where just guesses and that those guesses where correct. There hasn't been many times that I have been wrong on my guesses. Only on the trivial stuff with my wife am I about 50% right. I wonder why I do the things I do. I have a friend who has been having problems lately & in the past. Someone who I have cared very deeply for since probably HS. I just hate to see her suffer and for there to be almost nothing I can do to help. So much pain, suffering, & confusion. I stick around to be as much help as I can, for if she asks for help. I would love to write pages upon pages, but they would all be filled with hurt & pain. And that I won't be writing it here, because I don't want others to feel the pains that I feel and I don't want to make there be more pains for them. I can only hope that the sun will shine from behind all of these storm clouds.

It is very late for me. I should have been in bed a long time ago. I was playing 'Giants' till about 3am when a strange login name IM'ed me. And I have been having some interesting conversations up till now. And once again I get started at digging into myself. Trying to look at my life. Depressive thoughts start creeping in. I'm asked about friendship. To be truthful, right now I am not feeling that I really have friends. I have 1 that I definitely consider a friend. All others I have questioned. I hope that I am considered a friend to people but the feeling of them not being my friend has been looming over me. Just about everyone has put me on the back burner of the stove & left me there. That I go out of my way for others but they never are willing to go out of their way for me. ARG. I keep wanting to write stuff but I can't. It is impossible for me to write it & then hope that my life would improve for it would not. I'm learning that the only way for things to improve is to just keep my mouth closed. Seems like I'm been causing more problems every time I open it up. Also, I am feeling a lot of what I have already written in past entries. I'm not feeling that I need to write it all over again and again. What good does it do? Things don't change from the first time. Why would they the second & third times? Also, it's not as if many people read this. That just goes back to my lack of friends problem. I just can't win. No one understands me, and if anyone actually does, doesn't want to do anything. Some things just never change. I need to find my pensive so I can have some rest.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I would like to write about all of it but I'm not in the mood to write all of it down. At least not right now. I've been wishing that I have not changed over the last few years, but I have. After thinking hard about it these last few weeks, I really don't know myself anymore. I use to know exactly who I am, but I don't feel I can say that now. I have been trying to understand me. And dear, it's not because of class! I have been slowly thinking about it now & again for the last few years. I'm feeling lost and confused. I have lost that pot of gold that I thought I was heading towards. Maybe I'm having that mid-life crisis that everyone keeps talking about. Maybe it's because I'm just reevaluating my life now that talk about maybe bringing another human into this world is close at hand. And that I don't feel that I have a lot of free time to myself lately. Work full time during the day, classes & computer repairs at night, and a lot of debt to work at paying off this year. I wish things could be the way they use to be, but that can never be and I need to give up & embrace it. It hurts that it can never be the same and also the fact that others have not realized that things are just no longer the same.

I have allowed past pains to surface. It was not a good thing to happen. I keep feeling angry about it and I need to figure out how to rid myself of it. I think that the only answer to it is actually approaching soon. This answer will in one way help reduce this pain but it will help make another pain grow. I guess only time will tell. Would anyone like to place bets on it?

Been almost a month since I last wrote an entry. I would have written a few more but I have been just too busy. Now that classes are back in session, I've been busy with class work. Spent last weekend babysitting my nephews from Sat to Sun. Watched them play hockey. They lost 1 to 5 to Onalaska. Statistically, they did very well. Onalaska made 36 shots and only made 5, while LaCresent made 3 shots and made 1. Go LaCresent! This last Friday, we went out with Andrea & James to go see Butterfly Effect. Good movie. Most of this weekend of Sat & Sun was spent fixing a customer's computer. Sometime in the beginning week of January, we saw the Paycheck. I though it was a good movie. Beth said it was ok, but they needed to have someone other than Ben Affleck. She didn't think he was a believable character. Well, I have a headache and I am going to go to bed.

Well it's getting close to my birthday. My friend Andrea just had her birthday yesterday. She was talking about going out to drink but no one let us know what was going on, so we ended up just sitting around at home. Chad leaves on Sunday. My classes start on Monday. Busy times, I guess. Last Saturday Andrea, Chad, Beth, & I all went up to visit Chris in Wisconsin Rapids. I think everyone had a good time. Chris got us hooked into watching 'Firefly'. If you like sci-fi I think you would like it. I should email the sci-fi channel & see if they heard of it and if they would air it. Sort of sad that Fox gave it a bad time slot. But at least I have the short lived series on DVD.

Well, it's the new year. The time of reflection over the last year and thought into what I want this new year to bring, It's probably a great time to ask myself 'WHY?' Of all the questions that I have floating thru my mind, they all require 'why?' With just a hint of 'what?' Millions of questions but they never are fully answered. I guess that life would just be so boring if I knew the answers to all of them. When I had gone out for the long car drive with my wife, she helped point out a lot of things that I'm blind to see. We both felt much better after having that long talk and being able to understand each other better. Thru most of this fall, I have been feeling like my energy has just been drained. I could never seem to have enough energy to not feel tired. I think I know where it was coming from and will soon be trying my best to change that part of me.

I have a good question of 'why' to start off this new year: Why are you reading this? It's been a bit interesting looking thru the logs and seeing who all are looking at my web site. I have a few that check my site out like a few times a week, to some that look about 4-5 times a day or more. Do you, as the reader, care about how I feel? Is it that you may think that I am talking about you and you want to make sure that I don't say bad things about you? Or is this your first time to my page and was interested about what I might be like? If it's the last one, the person who I call me is being far misrepresented in these entries. We as humans are so complex that if you truly wanted to know & understand me, you'd have to meet me & talk with me for a while.

One of the things I'm hoping to change this year is that it feels like everyone considers me to be the enemy. I can't understand why I feel that way. What have I done wrong to people? Maybe I should just be blamed for everything. Oh yeah, I already am. I guess I just have to try to find ways to make my life better than it was this last year. Hope you have a better year than I do. :-)