I've been telling everyone that I'm feeling just fine but in fact that's not always the case. After thinking about it a little bit, I came to the conclusion that maybe I just don't want to have people worrying about me. I always try to be strong for both me & for others. Sort of like m&m's...hard outside...soft inside. I want everyone else to be happy and not worry about my happiness. My life has changed since May. I'm trying not to admit to myself that things will just never be the same again. It's impossible to ever that way again. Before then...I didn't worry about the future. Things seemed good. No worries. But now I feel a bit lost. I now need to find a goal or the finish line. I thought that I could see that finish line, but that it has now moved and I don't know where it is now. Feeling unsure of where to go from here. Trying to gain back the trust of people that I have lied to. Trying to understand the fact that I'm disliked for not doing things the way others wanted me to do them. And for others that are mad or upset with me and never able to give me an actual reason why. I've been told by people years after meeting & knowing them that when they first met me, they thought that I was scary until they actually got to know me. Maybe people dislike me because of my lazy eye. Maybe because I seem skilled at being able to make guesses about people and I think that I'm about 85% accurate in those guesses being correct. Or maybe it's because I think too logically or that I don't show much in the area of emotions thru body language except those close to me can pick up on them.

I do let things out but they are so subtle that hardly no one picks up on things. How I answer questions is the best way. A good example is when you ask me how I am doing. The one universal question that everyone else overlooks completely because it's built into us, the basic "How are you?" "I'm fine". You know that when that person says fine, they probably are lying. I don't say fine that much. If I'm not feeling at my best, having a bit of a bad day, or am a bit upset but not willing to talk about it unless people press me about it, I usually say I'm ok. If I say I'm great then I'm feeling very happy. If I'm feeling really bad, I might write that I'm so-so. But no one questions people beyond that as to how you really are. It's what we use to start the conversation off with; a lie? Nice, isn't it? I never say that I'm doing terrible, no one ever want to hear that. But if you just say ok, no one asks why your not doing great. I guess that's my motive behind my answer. Say so-so and see if they care enough to ask you why it's not good or great! No one ever does. That might also be because of the way that it is just used to start conversation and nothing more. Oh well.