I guess I should say happy thanksgiving to everyone, even if I don't feel all that great. I'm being told not to piss people off, but lately, I'm really wanting to piss off a lot of people. A person once told me that to destroy a relationship, both sides contribute to it's destruction. I'm feeling ready to pour the gasoline on it and light a match and watch it burn, for my side of the relationship. I don't really want to sit around a try to wait for months & months for acceptance.

Here we are, trying to do what we think is right. We're trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. At the same time, "the guys" want anything to do with it. Not willing to help in any way. So, it's just us. We decide to tell the parental units. Afterwards, we get blamed for doing everything wrong. Why? One says that we didn't go to the parents for help but we did, just not as early as some would have liked. I'm beginning to think that we only did one thing wrong, we cared! This was the first time that we had to deal with a situation like this. We were not perfect in how we handled things but we tried. It hurts that the ones who were willing to do anything to help got kicked to the curb in about 5 seconds flat. Now I get the feeling that "the guys" are being far more accepted that we are; even though they were unwilling to help! That person also seems so much happier to be talking to them then with us. And it all hurts so badly. Why exactly are people mad at us? How have we betrayed them? What are the exact reasons people are mad at us? We only get generic answers, no specific reasons why. Are we really the people that other people should be mad at?

Then tonight, basically being told that it's curious about me not contacting a friend. Last time he was around, he said that he would call us & try to come over to spend a little more time with us, but he never called. I figured it was related to the first visit that seemed to end badly. So, I thought I would wait for him to contact me. Every time he comes home, I hardly have time to see him because he just wants to spend his whole time home with the family. It's a battle to get time with him, so I thought I would wait for him to contact me and to say that he would make some time for me. Not the case. It's "we get to see him if we can steal him away from the family." I'm I so unimportant to him that he's not willing to try to call me & spend time with me? Are we that unimportant to people?

9+ years of friendship seems to mean absolutely nothing to people so why not burn down the bridge?

I guess I should say happy thanksgiving to everyone, even if I don't feel all that great. I'm being told not to piss people off, but lately, I'm really wanting to piss off a lot of people. A person once told me that to destroy a relationship, both sides contribute to it's destruction. I'm feeling ready to pour the gasoline on it and light a match and watch it burn, for my side of the relationship. I don't really want to sit around a try to wait for months & months for acceptance.

Here we are, trying to do what we think is right. We're trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. At the same time, "the guys" want anything to do with it. Not willing to help in any way. So, it's just us. We decide to tell the parental units. Afterwards, we get blamed for doing everything wrong. Why? One says that we didn't go to the parents for help but we did, just not as early as some would have liked. I'm beginning to think that we only did one thing wrong, we cared! This was the first time that we had to deal with a situation like this. We were not perfect in how we handled things but we tried. It hurts that the ones who were willing to do anything to help got kicked to the curb in about 5 seconds flat. Now I get the feeling that "the guys" are being far more accepted that we are; even though they were unwilling to help! That person also seems so much happier to be talking to them then with us. And it all hurts so badly. Why exactly are people mad at us? How have we betrayed them? What are the exact reasons people are mad at us? We only get generic answers, no specific reasons why. Are we really the people that other people should be mad at?

Then tonight, basically being told that it's curious about me not contacting a friend. Last time he was around, he said that he would call us & try to come over to spend a little more time with us, but he never called. I figured it was related to the first visit that seemed to end badly. So, I thought I would wait for him to contact me. Every time he comes home, I hardly have time to see him because he just wants to spend his whole time home with the family. It's a battle to get time with him, so I thought I would wait for him to contact me and to say that he would make some time for me. Not the case. It's "we get to see him if we can steal him away from the family." I'm I so unimportant to him that he's not willing to try to call me & spend time with me? Are we that unimportant to people?

9+ years of friendship seems to mean absolutely nothing to people so why not burn down the bridge?

I'm at work. Little bit of free time in-between parts. The monotony of doing a repetitious task. You end up having nothing better to do than to think about anything. It's about the only way I can keep myself from falling asleep. To top it all of, all of my thoughts end up being hateful and full of anger. Then I think "How can I get rid of my anger?" What is it I'm looking for to solve things, but I just don't know. Of all the possible solutions, none of them sound like they are what I want. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I'm not really feeling thankful for much. I am thankful for my caring family and loving wife. Thankful that a friend is getting their life back in order. And thankful for a roof over my head and food on my plate. That's basically it. I will also be thankful for when work & class are finished tonight and my 4-day weekend begins. It will probably go by like a flash; at least it's a bit of a break.

I'm at work. Little bit of free time in-between parts. The monotony of doing a repetitious task. You end up having nothing better to do than to think about anything. It's about the only way I can keep myself from falling asleep. To top it all of, all of my thoughts end up being hateful and full of anger. Then I think "How can I get rid of my anger?" What is it I'm looking for to solve things, but I just don't know. Of all the possible solutions, none of them sound like they are what I want. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I'm not really feeling thankful for much. I am thankful for my caring family and loving wife. Thankful that a friend is getting their life back in order. And thankful for a roof over my head and food on my plate. That's basically it. I will also be thankful for when work & class are finished tonight and my 4-day weekend begins. It will probably go by like a flash; at least it's a bit of a break.

I've been telling everyone that I'm feeling just fine but in fact that's not always the case. After thinking about it a little bit, I came to the conclusion that maybe I just don't want to have people worrying about me. I always try to be strong for both me & for others. Sort of like m&m's...hard outside...soft inside. I want everyone else to be happy and not worry about my happiness. My life has changed since May. I'm trying not to admit to myself that things will just never be the same again. It's impossible to ever that way again. Before then...I didn't worry about the future. Things seemed good. No worries. But now I feel a bit lost. I now need to find a goal or the finish line. I thought that I could see that finish line, but that it has now moved and I don't know where it is now. Feeling unsure of where to go from here. Trying to gain back the trust of people that I have lied to. Trying to understand the fact that I'm disliked for not doing things the way others wanted me to do them. And for others that are mad or upset with me and never able to give me an actual reason why. I've been told by people years after meeting & knowing them that when they first met me, they thought that I was scary until they actually got to know me. Maybe people dislike me because of my lazy eye. Maybe because I seem skilled at being able to make guesses about people and I think that I'm about 85% accurate in those guesses being correct. Or maybe it's because I think too logically or that I don't show much in the area of emotions thru body language except those close to me can pick up on them.

I do let things out but they are so subtle that hardly no one picks up on things. How I answer questions is the best way. A good example is when you ask me how I am doing. The one universal question that everyone else overlooks completely because it's built into us, the basic "How are you?" "I'm fine". You know that when that person says fine, they probably are lying. I don't say fine that much. If I'm not feeling at my best, having a bit of a bad day, or am a bit upset but not willing to talk about it unless people press me about it, I usually say I'm ok. If I say I'm great then I'm feeling very happy. If I'm feeling really bad, I might write that I'm so-so. But no one questions people beyond that as to how you really are. It's what we use to start the conversation off with; a lie? Nice, isn't it? I never say that I'm doing terrible, no one ever want to hear that. But if you just say ok, no one asks why your not doing great. I guess that's my motive behind my answer. Say so-so and see if they care enough to ask you why it's not good or great! No one ever does. That might also be because of the way that it is just used to start conversation and nothing more. Oh well.

I've been telling everyone that I'm feeling just fine but in fact that's not always the case. After thinking about it a little bit, I came to the conclusion that maybe I just don't want to have people worrying about me. I always try to be strong for both me & for others. Sort of like m&m's...hard outside...soft inside. I want everyone else to be happy and not worry about my happiness. My life has changed since May. I'm trying not to admit to myself that things will just never be the same again. It's impossible to ever that way again. Before then...I didn't worry about the future. Things seemed good. No worries. But now I feel a bit lost. I now need to find a goal or the finish line. I thought that I could see that finish line, but that it has now moved and I don't know where it is now. Feeling unsure of where to go from here. Trying to gain back the trust of people that I have lied to. Trying to understand the fact that I'm disliked for not doing things the way others wanted me to do them. And for others that are mad or upset with me and never able to give me an actual reason why. I've been told by people years after meeting & knowing them that when they first met me, they thought that I was scary until they actually got to know me. Maybe people dislike me because of my lazy eye. Maybe because I seem skilled at being able to make guesses about people and I think that I'm about 85% accurate in those guesses being correct. Or maybe it's because I think too logically or that I don't show much in the area of emotions thru body language except those close to me can pick up on them.

I do let things out but they are so subtle that hardly no one picks up on things. How I answer questions is the best way. A good example is when you ask me how I am doing. The one universal question that everyone else overlooks completely because it's built into us, the basic "How are you?" "I'm fine". You know that when that person says fine, they probably are lying. I don't say fine that much. If I'm not feeling at my best, having a bit of a bad day, or am a bit upset but not willing to talk about it unless people press me about it, I usually say I'm ok. If I say I'm great then I'm feeling very happy. If I'm feeling really bad, I might write that I'm so-so. But no one questions people beyond that as to how you really are. It's what we use to start the conversation off with; a lie? Nice, isn't it? I never say that I'm doing terrible, no one ever want to hear that. But if you just say ok, no one asks why your not doing great. I guess that's my motive behind my answer. Say so-so and see if they care enough to ask you why it's not good or great! No one ever does. That might also be because of the way that it is just used to start conversation and nothing more. Oh well.

Last night I went & had a nice long talk with boo. I hope that it helped her feel better. She should not feel bad at all for anything last night. I haven't answered all the questions she would like to know and she didn't ask. She answered a few of mine that I'm afraid to ask. I care a lot about her and would be willing to help in any way. I feel very enlightened by our talk last night. Granted it was more like I just listened to her. But I now have more understanding of her and a few of my questions have been answered.

Decided to try & cook. I must say that the bacon I just cooked just melts in your mouth!!! Beth wishes she could do it as good as I just did. She's wanting more. LOL. Was thinking of going out for food, but I decided to stay home & try to cook. not too bad. The bacon was definitely better that I would have gotten there, but I have to work at getting the eggs to cook right. The bacon is making feel much better. I was feeling very bummed earlier. That was partially related to going to the bar last night and thinking too much. See, I don't drink alcohol, so I just sit around and watch all the stupid drunks. I started feeling depressed thinking about life as I watched the drunks. Thinking about how I would be if I where to get drunk Thinking about why I am so unsocial when I go to the bar or any big gatherings. Do I have social anxiety, or whatever it is they call it?

Hi boo

Not sure all what to say. But felt that I should say something. Two people wrote & let me know they read this. One told me that I was wrong. :-) It's sort of nice to hear someone tell you that they care. It's not necessarily the exact care that one might be looking for but it helps. I had gotten angry at someone, tried to write about it. For the fact that I don't like to be called a liar. I don't lie. There has been like once or twice that I have, but I try to be as truthful as possible to people. I tell the people the truth and hope they will tell me the truth. Not always the case. Anyhoo... Cooled off, rewrote it. And now, I'm feeling ok about the person. Feels nice to be on speaking terms with them. It hurts to think that someone is mad at you, and for reasons that you think are wrong or the fact that they just can't give you any exact reason. Just keeps being vague about it. Oh well. Now I'm feeling a bit in a jealous mood. That the friend that was having so many problems earlier is meeting so many new people & new friends. I might be able to have one from my class at school. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Tried to make another one, but that just was a no go. I should maybe write to him & see how he's doing. Someone once told me that there is something wrong with me, for the fact of having problems with friends. Maybe I do. Maybe that's why I have hardly any friends. Then again, I called her a friend, and she ended up turning her back on me. I still help her out if she asks a question. Not that she is likely to help me out, as I have found out.
I wish I knew what is wrong. Why I can't seem to make friends that would be willing to come and visit me. Spend time with me, play games, etc. Someone to talk to. No one ever seems to want to listen to me. I can't talk much to my wife. I usually get told I'm wrong. Don't have any close friend like I use to have with Chad. He would listen to me anytime I needed someone to listen. We would just sit under the stars and talk for hours on end. I could talk about anything. I have tried with Chris a little bit, but he's very selective about what he is willing to listen to. I could never just talk about anything with him. And with Chad gone for a few years now. It sometimes gets to be hard with no one to vent to. It's just me, myself, and I. It just sucks that now my life is so mundane. Work 40 hour during the week and nothing but sit around playing computer games by myself on the weekends. When Monday rolls around, start the process over again. Life sucks and hardly no one cares. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I'll feel a bit better in the morning.