It's vacation time again.

Christmas vacation is just about over. Hope everyone had a good Christmas & that Santa was good to them. I was spoiled rotten again this year for Christmas. For the most part everything has been pretty good. Not much to complain about, hence, the lack of entries. That's basically what this page was set up for but I haven't had much to complain about. I got to see Chad on Friday night & yesterday. On Friday night, he decided to jog all the way here. I can bike it but I don't think I could ever jog it. Then we just sat around and talked and at the end of the night, played some video games. I did pretty good at racing but kept losing at smash. Yesterday, Chris came over with his computer. I made some cotton candy for us & watched him play his new game 'Simpsons - Hit & Run'. Then Beth & I went to see the paycheck with Chad & Andrea. Then we picked up Chris and watched 'Firefly'. I thought it was a very neat show. Can't wait to see the next episodes. Then we all just sat around talking and joking the rest of the evening away. I had a lot of fun doing it & hope to do it again.

I hope everyone has a Very Merry Christmas!

Classes are finally over with for the semester. Yeah! I skipped out of work 2 hours early yesterday so that I could finish up my final projects for the class. I'm up early right now to go and make up those 2 hours of missed work. Won't they be surprised that I'm out there before 8am. Well, It's looking like I'm getting 2 A's and a B. Not too bad. Now to try to just sit back and relax and to complete my last minute Christmas stuff. I definitely will be sleeping in tomorrow! Haven't written much in my blog because I've been busy with school projects. Well, I have to get to work. Later.

There is some small change but everything is because of the lack of change. And because of that lack of change, things can never be.

All is quiet on the blog front. No one is writing much, but everyone keeps looking. Just seems odd that everyone is concerned about the others but don't say anything about it. There are lots of things I could write but I'm choosing to be very selective & stay within my little protective shell. My life is always 2 sided. The one I let people see, and the one inside; like I have explained before. I think everyone just wants peace. Maybe goodwill on earth, too. We don't want people upset with us. I don't want people to think that me or my wife writing in our blogs on how we are feeling means that we are trying to slander or throw mud at people. Yes, we have our own problems. Everyone has problems. Everyone has flaws, too. And I messed up on that one. I need to remind myself that I should not trust a person fully unless you know that person's flaws. All the things I want to say, but the fact that they would probably not be taken the same way as they where meant. We aren't out to try and get people angry. We're just wishing we had the answers to our unanswered questions. All the gray & fuzzy areas that never get filled. I always recommend to others, if there is anything you want to know, just ask. I think that if you start to care too much for people, they start hating you because of it. And also that you start spending too much time over how everyone thinks about you that you lose track of yourself. Everyone wants acceptance but it never comes and probably never will.

I love this time of year because of all the presents I usually get at Christmas. What I don't like is that we're usually broke this time of year. It's nice to have a brother as a landlord. He's more lenient if your rent is late for the month. Seeing most of our rent money went into new tires for the car. Having almost bald tires for winter time is a very bad thing. Been spending some time this weekend playing Mariokart - double dash, and Marioparty 5. I borrowed them from my sister. They aren't that bad. Other than that, I did nothing this weekend. Oh yeah, went and saw the Rotory Lights with the live nativity scene. Wasn't bad. Not much else to say right now. Later.

Seems a bit dreary outside. Well, last night we went and got new tires put onto the car. It was just a sliding before in the snow. :-( Hopefully it won't slide now. I bit after that I started feeling angry & upset. I just could not figure out why. I still don't know why. Beth was all worried that it was her. I'm not really sure if that is true or not. Maybe it's male pms or something. She had to get up early so she went to bed. I stayed up and played video games by myself. Seemed boring but I didn't know what else to do. Slept all morning. Woke up, sat down & watched TV all afternoon. I'm just now getting some lunch made. TV dinner, quick & easy. I'm just feeling so out of it today. Which probably explains the dreary weather. I currently feel that my life is just crap. Crappy house, as Beth would say, very messy house, no one to visit, no one that wants to visit, & possibly a dead-end job. Life sucks and then you die, or so the saying goes. I'm hoping my life starts picking up and that I start to feel better again.

First snow fall of the year to stay for a little while. Started about 10pm last night. Had about an inch of snow but now it's melting. Classes are done for the week and the work day seems to be flying past. It helps that I can use my free time at work to program and keep my mind busy. Trying to create a program that can track a game of acquire. It'll help do all the little stuff, so I won't have to. :-) Beth has to work all weekend long. Get to spend some nice quite time at home. I hope I can force myself to do some cleaning around the house or to finish my homework. Only 2 more weeks of school to go. Yeah!!! Well, I have to get back to work. Later.

Done with work and getting ready to head out to school. At work I continued to think. I never seem to have anything better to do at work. I was thinking about how it seems a bit like this: one person is saying apple, another saying banana, a third saying orange while they are actually talking about pineapples. I think that Beth & I should just enter into a hibernation like state until such time that someone wakes us up. We seem to get into people's way. We seem to hurt people's feelings. Also, people seem to be scared of Beth and run. I think that's why the guys stopped wanting to see us. The last time they where around, Beth was pissed, and I believe they ran because they are scared of her. They won't admit it. They claim it's because of some personality mismatch or something like that. Beth doesn't get mad all the time, and when she is upset, she usually has a good reason for it.

The other thing that I am pondering is what people are looking for. As we all proceed in this endeavor to "find ourselves," we need to think of what we want. Myself, I'm looking for friends that I can spend time with. One that will play video games, board games, go to a movie, or go bowling, etc. I liked the past when I could go spend time playing games on the weekends. I don't have anyone around to do that with anymore. I would love for me to have friends that would call up & say "How about coming over for a game of settlers tonight?". I'm trying to make a few new friends, but it seems slow and difficult. I need to figure out ways to find some new friends. New places to find some. Night school hasn't been that successful for me. I just need to have faith and hope they will come. Well, I'm off to school. Later.

Lunch Time! I can't wait for school to be done on the 18th. I will then be able to sit back and try to relax for a little while until the spring semester. Everyone's lives seem to be in disarray as the Christmas time approaches. I was told some answers to my questions in my last entry. Today while thinking, I have been enlightened by those answers as to that I understand myself a bit more as to how I was feeling and that I didn't realize my overall reasons. With how life has taken the puzzle, which we call our lives, and has shaken up those pieces and now we all are trying to put the puzzle back together. The underlying problem that I wrote above is wanting to know how others view us. Whether people like us or don't like us. Whether they want to spent time with us or not to spent time with us. One doesn't often get told that you are somewhat important part of their lives. I think that every once in a while, people need to hear it from those around them and to also tell those around them. I want to say that I am sorry for my above entry. I was too angry when I decided to write it but it was something I felt that I needed to say at the time. Only now do I understand it & myself better. Better late than never. I can only hope that it's not too little, too late. People are always looking to be accepted by others and when it doesn't happen much, good old depression steps in. Well, I would like to write more but I have to get back to work. Later.

I guess I should say happy thanksgiving to everyone, even if I don't feel all that great. I'm being told not to piss people off, but lately, I'm really wanting to piss off a lot of people. A person once told me that to destroy a relationship, both sides contribute to it's destruction. I'm feeling ready to pour the gasoline on it and light a match and watch it burn, for my side of the relationship. I don't really want to sit around a try to wait for months & months for acceptance.

Here we are, trying to do what we think is right. We're trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. At the same time, "the guys" want anything to do with it. Not willing to help in any way. So, it's just us. We decide to tell the parental units. Afterwards, we get blamed for doing everything wrong. Why? One says that we didn't go to the parents for help but we did, just not as early as some would have liked. I'm beginning to think that we only did one thing wrong, we cared! This was the first time that we had to deal with a situation like this. We were not perfect in how we handled things but we tried. It hurts that the ones who were willing to do anything to help got kicked to the curb in about 5 seconds flat. Now I get the feeling that "the guys" are being far more accepted that we are; even though they were unwilling to help! That person also seems so much happier to be talking to them then with us. And it all hurts so badly. Why exactly are people mad at us? How have we betrayed them? What are the exact reasons people are mad at us? We only get generic answers, no specific reasons why. Are we really the people that other people should be mad at?

Then tonight, basically being told that it's curious about me not contacting a friend. Last time he was around, he said that he would call us & try to come over to spend a little more time with us, but he never called. I figured it was related to the first visit that seemed to end badly. So, I thought I would wait for him to contact me. Every time he comes home, I hardly have time to see him because he just wants to spend his whole time home with the family. It's a battle to get time with him, so I thought I would wait for him to contact me and to say that he would make some time for me. Not the case. It's "we get to see him if we can steal him away from the family." I'm I so unimportant to him that he's not willing to try to call me & spend time with me? Are we that unimportant to people?

9+ years of friendship seems to mean absolutely nothing to people so why not burn down the bridge?

I guess I should say happy thanksgiving to everyone, even if I don't feel all that great. I'm being told not to piss people off, but lately, I'm really wanting to piss off a lot of people. A person once told me that to destroy a relationship, both sides contribute to it's destruction. I'm feeling ready to pour the gasoline on it and light a match and watch it burn, for my side of the relationship. I don't really want to sit around a try to wait for months & months for acceptance.

Here we are, trying to do what we think is right. We're trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. At the same time, "the guys" want anything to do with it. Not willing to help in any way. So, it's just us. We decide to tell the parental units. Afterwards, we get blamed for doing everything wrong. Why? One says that we didn't go to the parents for help but we did, just not as early as some would have liked. I'm beginning to think that we only did one thing wrong, we cared! This was the first time that we had to deal with a situation like this. We were not perfect in how we handled things but we tried. It hurts that the ones who were willing to do anything to help got kicked to the curb in about 5 seconds flat. Now I get the feeling that "the guys" are being far more accepted that we are; even though they were unwilling to help! That person also seems so much happier to be talking to them then with us. And it all hurts so badly. Why exactly are people mad at us? How have we betrayed them? What are the exact reasons people are mad at us? We only get generic answers, no specific reasons why. Are we really the people that other people should be mad at?

Then tonight, basically being told that it's curious about me not contacting a friend. Last time he was around, he said that he would call us & try to come over to spend a little more time with us, but he never called. I figured it was related to the first visit that seemed to end badly. So, I thought I would wait for him to contact me. Every time he comes home, I hardly have time to see him because he just wants to spend his whole time home with the family. It's a battle to get time with him, so I thought I would wait for him to contact me and to say that he would make some time for me. Not the case. It's "we get to see him if we can steal him away from the family." I'm I so unimportant to him that he's not willing to try to call me & spend time with me? Are we that unimportant to people?

9+ years of friendship seems to mean absolutely nothing to people so why not burn down the bridge?

I'm at work. Little bit of free time in-between parts. The monotony of doing a repetitious task. You end up having nothing better to do than to think about anything. It's about the only way I can keep myself from falling asleep. To top it all of, all of my thoughts end up being hateful and full of anger. Then I think "How can I get rid of my anger?" What is it I'm looking for to solve things, but I just don't know. Of all the possible solutions, none of them sound like they are what I want. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I'm not really feeling thankful for much. I am thankful for my caring family and loving wife. Thankful that a friend is getting their life back in order. And thankful for a roof over my head and food on my plate. That's basically it. I will also be thankful for when work & class are finished tonight and my 4-day weekend begins. It will probably go by like a flash; at least it's a bit of a break.

I'm at work. Little bit of free time in-between parts. The monotony of doing a repetitious task. You end up having nothing better to do than to think about anything. It's about the only way I can keep myself from falling asleep. To top it all of, all of my thoughts end up being hateful and full of anger. Then I think "How can I get rid of my anger?" What is it I'm looking for to solve things, but I just don't know. Of all the possible solutions, none of them sound like they are what I want. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I'm not really feeling thankful for much. I am thankful for my caring family and loving wife. Thankful that a friend is getting their life back in order. And thankful for a roof over my head and food on my plate. That's basically it. I will also be thankful for when work & class are finished tonight and my 4-day weekend begins. It will probably go by like a flash; at least it's a bit of a break.

I've been telling everyone that I'm feeling just fine but in fact that's not always the case. After thinking about it a little bit, I came to the conclusion that maybe I just don't want to have people worrying about me. I always try to be strong for both me & for others. Sort of like m&m's...hard outside...soft inside. I want everyone else to be happy and not worry about my happiness. My life has changed since May. I'm trying not to admit to myself that things will just never be the same again. It's impossible to ever that way again. Before then...I didn't worry about the future. Things seemed good. No worries. But now I feel a bit lost. I now need to find a goal or the finish line. I thought that I could see that finish line, but that it has now moved and I don't know where it is now. Feeling unsure of where to go from here. Trying to gain back the trust of people that I have lied to. Trying to understand the fact that I'm disliked for not doing things the way others wanted me to do them. And for others that are mad or upset with me and never able to give me an actual reason why. I've been told by people years after meeting & knowing them that when they first met me, they thought that I was scary until they actually got to know me. Maybe people dislike me because of my lazy eye. Maybe because I seem skilled at being able to make guesses about people and I think that I'm about 85% accurate in those guesses being correct. Or maybe it's because I think too logically or that I don't show much in the area of emotions thru body language except those close to me can pick up on them.

I do let things out but they are so subtle that hardly no one picks up on things. How I answer questions is the best way. A good example is when you ask me how I am doing. The one universal question that everyone else overlooks completely because it's built into us, the basic "How are you?" "I'm fine". You know that when that person says fine, they probably are lying. I don't say fine that much. If I'm not feeling at my best, having a bit of a bad day, or am a bit upset but not willing to talk about it unless people press me about it, I usually say I'm ok. If I say I'm great then I'm feeling very happy. If I'm feeling really bad, I might write that I'm so-so. But no one questions people beyond that as to how you really are. It's what we use to start the conversation off with; a lie? Nice, isn't it? I never say that I'm doing terrible, no one ever want to hear that. But if you just say ok, no one asks why your not doing great. I guess that's my motive behind my answer. Say so-so and see if they care enough to ask you why it's not good or great! No one ever does. That might also be because of the way that it is just used to start conversation and nothing more. Oh well.

I've been telling everyone that I'm feeling just fine but in fact that's not always the case. After thinking about it a little bit, I came to the conclusion that maybe I just don't want to have people worrying about me. I always try to be strong for both me & for others. Sort of like m&m's...hard outside...soft inside. I want everyone else to be happy and not worry about my happiness. My life has changed since May. I'm trying not to admit to myself that things will just never be the same again. It's impossible to ever that way again. Before then...I didn't worry about the future. Things seemed good. No worries. But now I feel a bit lost. I now need to find a goal or the finish line. I thought that I could see that finish line, but that it has now moved and I don't know where it is now. Feeling unsure of where to go from here. Trying to gain back the trust of people that I have lied to. Trying to understand the fact that I'm disliked for not doing things the way others wanted me to do them. And for others that are mad or upset with me and never able to give me an actual reason why. I've been told by people years after meeting & knowing them that when they first met me, they thought that I was scary until they actually got to know me. Maybe people dislike me because of my lazy eye. Maybe because I seem skilled at being able to make guesses about people and I think that I'm about 85% accurate in those guesses being correct. Or maybe it's because I think too logically or that I don't show much in the area of emotions thru body language except those close to me can pick up on them.

I do let things out but they are so subtle that hardly no one picks up on things. How I answer questions is the best way. A good example is when you ask me how I am doing. The one universal question that everyone else overlooks completely because it's built into us, the basic "How are you?" "I'm fine". You know that when that person says fine, they probably are lying. I don't say fine that much. If I'm not feeling at my best, having a bit of a bad day, or am a bit upset but not willing to talk about it unless people press me about it, I usually say I'm ok. If I say I'm great then I'm feeling very happy. If I'm feeling really bad, I might write that I'm so-so. But no one questions people beyond that as to how you really are. It's what we use to start the conversation off with; a lie? Nice, isn't it? I never say that I'm doing terrible, no one ever want to hear that. But if you just say ok, no one asks why your not doing great. I guess that's my motive behind my answer. Say so-so and see if they care enough to ask you why it's not good or great! No one ever does. That might also be because of the way that it is just used to start conversation and nothing more. Oh well.

Last night I went & had a nice long talk with boo. I hope that it helped her feel better. She should not feel bad at all for anything last night. I haven't answered all the questions she would like to know and she didn't ask. She answered a few of mine that I'm afraid to ask. I care a lot about her and would be willing to help in any way. I feel very enlightened by our talk last night. Granted it was more like I just listened to her. But I now have more understanding of her and a few of my questions have been answered.

Decided to try & cook. I must say that the bacon I just cooked just melts in your mouth!!! Beth wishes she could do it as good as I just did. She's wanting more. LOL. Was thinking of going out for food, but I decided to stay home & try to cook. not too bad. The bacon was definitely better that I would have gotten there, but I have to work at getting the eggs to cook right. The bacon is making feel much better. I was feeling very bummed earlier. That was partially related to going to the bar last night and thinking too much. See, I don't drink alcohol, so I just sit around and watch all the stupid drunks. I started feeling depressed thinking about life as I watched the drunks. Thinking about how I would be if I where to get drunk Thinking about why I am so unsocial when I go to the bar or any big gatherings. Do I have social anxiety, or whatever it is they call it?

Hi boo

Not sure all what to say. But felt that I should say something. Two people wrote & let me know they read this. One told me that I was wrong. :-) It's sort of nice to hear someone tell you that they care. It's not necessarily the exact care that one might be looking for but it helps. I had gotten angry at someone, tried to write about it. For the fact that I don't like to be called a liar. I don't lie. There has been like once or twice that I have, but I try to be as truthful as possible to people. I tell the people the truth and hope they will tell me the truth. Not always the case. Anyhoo... Cooled off, rewrote it. And now, I'm feeling ok about the person. Feels nice to be on speaking terms with them. It hurts to think that someone is mad at you, and for reasons that you think are wrong or the fact that they just can't give you any exact reason. Just keeps being vague about it. Oh well. Now I'm feeling a bit in a jealous mood. That the friend that was having so many problems earlier is meeting so many new people & new friends. I might be able to have one from my class at school. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Tried to make another one, but that just was a no go. I should maybe write to him & see how he's doing. Someone once told me that there is something wrong with me, for the fact of having problems with friends. Maybe I do. Maybe that's why I have hardly any friends. Then again, I called her a friend, and she ended up turning her back on me. I still help her out if she asks a question. Not that she is likely to help me out, as I have found out.
I wish I knew what is wrong. Why I can't seem to make friends that would be willing to come and visit me. Spend time with me, play games, etc. Someone to talk to. No one ever seems to want to listen to me. I can't talk much to my wife. I usually get told I'm wrong. Don't have any close friend like I use to have with Chad. He would listen to me anytime I needed someone to listen. We would just sit under the stars and talk for hours on end. I could talk about anything. I have tried with Chris a little bit, but he's very selective about what he is willing to listen to. I could never just talk about anything with him. And with Chad gone for a few years now. It sometimes gets to be hard with no one to vent to. It's just me, myself, and I. It just sucks that now my life is so mundane. Work 40 hour during the week and nothing but sit around playing computer games by myself on the weekends. When Monday rolls around, start the process over again. Life sucks and hardly no one cares. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I'll feel a bit better in the morning.

There's always the problem of trying to make new friends. You meet new people to try to be friends with. They talk about coming over or calling up. Does it ever happen? Nope. You still get to see them but it's always I have to call them, they'll never call me. It's almost like none of my friends even care about me. I doubt that any of them care about how I feel. Or the fact you try to help your friends out and all you do is get in trouble for it. No gratitude. I guess I'm just a huge failure. Then again....no one cares (except wife & family members). I would find it hard to believe that anyone would read all this and actually e-mail me to tell me that I am wrong. But it won't happen.

I'm feeling a little bit depressed. I'm learning about others that are feeling depressed. The fact that I probably have more reasons to be depressed and yet I show little of it to others (not that anyone other than Beth & family would care.) My one friend is upset with her boyfriend & says there is also something else but I haven't guess what. Another feels depressed about not having any friends. I could go on.
I don't want everyone to get the wrong idea. I'm doing mostly just fine. I love my family. My family loves me. My wife loves me & I love her. It's my social life outside of those circles. My friends. People to hang out with when your bored. My one best friend moved off to Washington, D.C. a number of years ago. But my ability to visit and see him grows less and less as the years go by. It always feels like I'm trying to compete for his time. By other best friend moved to the eastern side of Wisconsin earlier this year. I know that I have friends. I know I have people who would like me to call friends. And at the same time I consider everyone to be my friend and hope that they will call me a friend.
Back in one of my high school social studies classes, we where handed a card with the '10 Steps to good Mental Health':
Be Happy
Have a zest for life
Have an interest in your self and others
Have unity and balance
Live each problem in your life as it arises
Have insight-know thyself
Have a confidential relationship with someone
Have a sense for the ridiculous
Engage in satisfying work
Worry effectively!
I currently don't meet all of the steps. Maybe that may be why I'm feeling a little bit depressed. Do you think it is?
A life of little to no friends really stinks. I'm trying to have my writings have some sort of flow. Always try to have nice transitions between topics and such. But at the same time...I'm writing this. There does not need to be this flow I keep trying to have work here. Oh well.... (so lets just jump elsewhere!) I wish people would call me up.