My Lie

 I find myself struggling.  I want to talk, to tell people what is going on.  But then my self-censorship kicks in and I don't let out what I should be letting out & letting go of.  I want to post my current feelings but then the self-censorship keeps it bottled up.

The truth is that I keep trying to lie to myself that I don't have issues, that I don't have problems, that I don't need help.  I've been keeping myself in the 'denial' stage.  To be completely honest with myself; I do have a problem.  I lie to myself about, I lie to everyone else about it.  If I try to look at myself from a more objective 3rd-person view; I definitely have a problem; which I think I hide very well from others.  Maybe I don't but no one seems to say otherwise        .

My personal life & my house both show the problem.  But since no one is really close to me anymore, it's very easy to hide.  It's also a very vicious, never ending, spiraling downward, & out of control situation.  I really need to get myself to get out of this downward spiral.  I want help; I need help; I don't feel I have anyone in a good position to help me & so I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So last year on New Years Eve (12/31/2019), my girlfriend of 7 years & I broke up.  I had found that she had been cheating on me for about 2 years with one of her co-workers & just after Christmas has cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend.  Most of the friends that we had together and hung out with were her friends.  So after the breakup, I didn't really have anyone to hang out with; and also drop in some COVID-19 restrictions.  So it's now been a year & a month of just me, myself, & I (and my 3 cats).  My last year has been just me going to work & then coming home.  Rinse & repeat.  Drop in that I probably eat 95% of my meals from restaurants & fast-food.  My house is a total disaster!  That doesn't help with making friends because I don't want to show them my super cluttered & messy house.  I don't want people to know the filth of my house.  Which doesn't help the depression; mostly just adds to it.  Same goes for Facebook.  I keep finding myself scrolling though Facebook feeling jealous of all the listed 'friends' that are enjoying different things while I'm sitting at home feeling lonely.  Facebook is not good to look at if one is dealing with depression.

My birthday this year consisted of me going out for some food, by myself.  I had treated myself with Shogun hibachi dinner for lunch.  I also constructed a test on my Facebook page.  I kind of shocked me the results that I received.  So what I did was I blocked my b-day from showing about 3 days before my b-day.  That way it wouldn't show up on people's notifications.  I really hate the "friends" that will simply put "Happy Birthday" post on someone's page just because they were prompted by the Facebook notifications.  I always find myself thinking about all the people that usually post a happy birthday to me to; for me asking myself why do they bother when I'm pretty sure that their post is the only 10 seconds that they will give a few brain cells to think about me for the entire year.  I feel like they are not likely to really care about me; maybe I'm wrong but those 10 seconds out of the year are about the only time they say anything to me which does feel kinda meaningless.  Back to my story: I then turned my b-day visibility back on around 7 pm that night.  The people that messaged me at that point felt more genuine.  I was slightly surprised when one of my HS classmates actually send me 2 brownie squares for my birthday.  A few others surprised me because I didn't see them taking time to wish me a happy b-day due to us not being on the best of terms; I guess I must be wrong of what they think of me.

Well, if you made it this far, you hopefully figured out that the issue I try to hide from myself & others is the loneliness and depression.  Each issue feeding the other issue, in that vicious spiral.  If I want to fix myself and get out of this spiral, I really do need to come to terms with the problems.  On one side, I hope someone finds this and really would like to help me in some capacity; on the other, I don't want anyone else to know.  Well, I'm going to take a break for a while.  Hopefully, getting some of my thoughts on paper & out of my brain will help on my journey down this road that I must take.

Clean-up in isle 3

Well, long time since last writing.  I stumble through my bookmarks & ran across a bookmark for the UMU blog.  Only to find out that I am blocked & then managed to find my way to my own neglected blog.  I decided to start writing; &  I start getting in trouble from my boss on chat while I'm writing.  Being told that he's tired of cleaning up my messes.  Hence the clean-up.

I want to write but really don't find much motivation to do it.  The new things in my life: a divorce, new girlfriend, get dumped by girlfriend, & now have another girlfriend.  Been working out rather nicely.  She helps around the house & has a full time job to help contribute to the bills.

Wow, I want to write but my lack of motivation is winning.  It's kind of late & I need to be up around 2am to check on a data file conversion that is estimated to be done around that time.  Maybe I'l feel more motivated for next time.  Maybe you should send me a message full of motivation!  That's it... Send me motivation!  Lol.

Little annoyances
We are both getting on each other's nerves.  Both getting bothered by the little things that we both do.  I was asked to write down what I wanted from the grocery store today.  She got a little annoyed when I asked about getting some food that I could eat at work & that I wanted a few cans of mushrooms.  She then clarified that she wanted to know what I wanted for evening meals at home.  When I got home from work, found that she really didn't buy anything I had wrote down!  She asked what I wanted from the store but wasn't willing to get any of them?  I think she got 2 items I had listed; grape juice & chicken breasts.  I'm willing to bet, if I use a couple of the chicken breasts for what I want to make; she'll get mad at me.

She said that she's been getting annoyed that I tend to make smart-ass comments or are hard pressed to prove myself.  She also looks like she's been annoyed when I don't do what she wants, when she wants.  On Saturday, I was going to start raking, she told me I should load the wood onto the trailer.  She looked annoyed when I didn't stop the raking & go load the wood; then she started loading the wood.

I sometimes wonder what I got myself into.  It's starting to feel like another great big mess.  What's life about if it isn't: one mess after another?  She does what she wants to do (and it usually feels like) without consideration for others.  She will only go out of her way for herself.  I really don't think she's likely to go out of her way for me; like I have for her.

Only time will tell how we deal with the little annoyances.

A poem to SOE (someone else)
Broken messages on a broken board.
I see the post now removed.
To be honest,
I think we both felt something more but
we keep silent in the night.
We lie to each other to keep the silence.
Because of the post now removed,
I don't believe the broken messages.

I'm sitting here sort-of crying to myself. Thinking about how I feel like my life is currently F'ed up. I also started wondering why in the world I'm writing it here. I know of only two people that would be likely read this & I'm not sure that I really want either one reading this. I does me no good for either to read it but this is a place that I have posted in the past to release some of the secrets that lay buried deep inside me. Stuff the I never usually tell anyone. Some have figured out how to get to some of those secrets; but most don't get access to most of them.

I'm feeling lost; hopeless; dazed; confused; exhausted (mental & physical); worthless; a push-over; a slacker; a lazy f...; misunderstood. I tend to feel that no one wants to listen to me. That no one wants to take the time to listen to me. To try & understand me. To get me to talk & to get information from me, one needs to ask questions. If no questions are asked, one doesn't receive any answers. I'm not one to shy away from almost any question; there has been one or two, but for the most part: I'll answer it. I'm hardly one to give out information unless someone asks. If one doesn't ask. I'll stay quiet. Which is probably why I'm such a good listener & not much of a talker. To be a good listener, you have to ask questions. I usually can ask the right questions to get others to talk. And once they start talking, it is usually very easy to keep them talking. Everyone loves to talk; very rarely do they like to listen.

I'm lacking focus, direction. It shows at both my jobs. I've been aimless & tend to wander. Been having a hard time keeping myself going; doing what I need to do. I've been not getting as much done at work that I should be getting done. It's frustrating to me. I can see it plain as day; I can feel it. I just can't figure out why I have the problem & how to remedy it. I don't know how to fix myself! I'm been having problems getting to sleep; which is a more recent issue for me. I used to never have an issue going to bed. But as of recent, it's been hard for me to fall asleep. I'm hoping that starting to write again will help me to figure myself out. Or at least make me feel better.

Side note: I'm finding that I'm fighting with myself at the moment. I'm trying to just trying to type as the thoughts come to me, while a part of me is wanting me to edit stuff based on who the 2 readers are. One would probably be happy that I'm not doing the greatest at the moment while the other is likely to feel a little sad for me but wanting to keep his or her distance. I'm trying to not care about what they think. They have both moved away from the area & probably haven't been to this site in a few years.

I wish I would start feeling sleepy but at least I am feeling a little better. Not much, but a little. One small thought just fluttered through my mind. I'm wondering if it's because I don't get much time to myself anymore. I'm either at work or at home dealing with family. I dont' get time to be by myself. I do get time by my self, but most of that time is while in the car. I don't get the time to play video games, relax in a pool, go camping & watch a camp fire, etc. It's work 7 days a week & family during the rest of the time. And maybe I'm feeling better because it's just me & this new post window. Writing down what is flowing through my head. Everyone else is sleeping; having a not-a-care-in-the-world time. Or maybe because I want to go do a few things & not getting a chance to go and do any of them. I better try & get some sleep before I work in the morning! Until next time, later.

It has been many, many years since I last posted here. I see that I need to redo it because the main graphics have since disappeared. They got lost somewhere in the vast Internet. I started reading my previous posts & slowly remembering my past. Everything that was going on in my life so long ago. Since then, I occasionally see 'Calc Man'. I last saw 'Nuclear Man' last August when we helped move a friend from her ex-boyfriend's place to another. Haven't seen much of him since the many years ago. 'APAC Man' is not APAC anymore. He switched to 'Sprint'. Used to see him but I probably haven't seen him in over a year now. Just earlier this year, I got divorced & have since found a new girlfriend.

I have continued to work 2 jobs since I last posted. I have managed to leave my father's tool & die shop and I am now working in my computer field of expertise. I was thinking about some of my past & about my future. I felt a little bit like writing & came back to my site. Looked through the site; reminisced a little bit by reading my old posts & finding links to a few other pages that I haven't been to in years. A lot of it is a 'blast from the past'.

I want to write but at the same time; I want to go to sleep. Feeling very torn about what I want to do. Especially when it's 3:08am and I SHOULD be sleeping! Well, lets try to get a little bit of anything written down before I crash for the night. The year has been a lot of ups & downs. Mostly downs but there are always a few ups. I catch myself when I get into a depressive state. I always find myself driving towards it; then I do my best to pull myself away from it. It is so very, very easy to become depressed. Things have been going better thou. I think the divorce definitively helped & things were going good with the new girlfriend. I am going to head to bed. I will see about getting back here & do up a timeline of past event leading up to the present.

Well, I believe that the correct answer is more like "not me". When I go to bed, I go to bed alone.